Sorry for the extended hiatus, loyal readers. The semester is just now finishing up, and I'm finding that I have more time now for reading, and by extension, writing awful things about my betters. For the last few months I have not been idle, though, far from it. I've been listening to Roy Dotrice do awful readings of The Song of Ice and Fire books, (Let's just say that the whole Lannister Tribe had the same voice and accent except Jaime,) and finally finished A Dance with Dragons. I have to say I rather enjoyed the series. It's not my favorite by far, but that's just because the whole Political/Fantasy genre doesn't really get my motor running. That being the case, I thought that I might start off my return with one last article on George R. R. Martin's series. Seeing as it would be a gigantic waste of time and effort to go over the greats and flaws that were all five books, I thought I would just go with one small fragmented gripe I have for the series and that is Colloquialisms.
Now, for those that don't know, look it up on Wikipedia. Just kidding, it's a saying, a word, or a turn of phrase specific to language, but not written language for some reason. "Howdy" is a Midwest colloquial word. "Bless your heart" is a southern one, and doesn't mean what it implies. Colloquial terms are unique to regions, so when you go to a new state, a new region or a new country, you might hear someone say something that sounds familiar being used in a new and unique way. That's the wonderful thing about language: things change and things mean different things to different people. That being said, my biggest gripe about the Song of Ice and Fire books is that these phrases get used so often by so many people in so many different regions, (some of which are across seas,) that it seems almost ludicrous.
The ones I'm talking about are the ones referenced in the title and, to my knowledge at the moment, were used mostly in A Feast for Crows and A Dance with Dragons: "Words are wind," and "As useful as nipples on a breastplate." For the most part it's the former being used the most, and it's not just in one location. Cersei uses the term in Kings Landing, John Snow at the Wall, Doran Martel says it in Dorn, and people in Mereen use it as well across a freaking sea. The saying is bandied around so much that it actually sounds kind of ridiculous. I get that it's a Seven Kingdoms and people saying things in other kingdoms would make it go around, but really, the people over in the free cities speak another language entirely. The breastplate comment gets used a fair share, but honestly, they couldn't have something better to reference useless things to?
It reminds me of the first time that I heard the word..."Hashtag" (shudder.) I thought someone was pulling my leg. It's a dash, a number sign, a pound sign. Why are we giving new names to things that have working names. Then I heard it more and more and the more I heard it, the more I came to hate it. Hearing GRRM use the same phrase over and over again makes me feel the same way. I love his work, I would never wish to mince words with him, but having everyone say the same thing over and over again in different parts of the world and in different languages is worse than his need to create characters for the sole purpose of killing them off.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Is Bella Swann a Bug Chaser?
This piece is a bit darker than most, but I thought that I would do a truly serious piece to make up for my absence as of late. Right at this moment I should be working on a research paper, but the thought came so strongly to my mind that I had to write this down before I forgot.
Now, for those that don't know, a Bug Chaser, is a person who actively searches out people with HIV to become infected themselves. Far be it from me to make judgments on living people rather than people on print, this sick behavior is driven by many different views, most of which stem from fear. The most prominent of the reasons I myself have heard is that it is a freeing experience: once you have HIV, you don't have to be scared that one day you might catch it. Another reason I have heard is that HIV is no longer the death sentence it used to be, and with special care and medication, people with HIV can live long, fulfilling, and even healthy lives.
These reasons are completely stupid. I would never say that they are wrong: people are human and are therefore prone to err and make stupid decisions because they are scared. What you do to yourself has effects on yourself only....only if you are a hermit and never interact with any other human being on the planet for the remainder of your life. What if you are unsafe...just once with someone that doesn't share your point of view. What if they get directly exposed by some accident. You are endangering the people you know, not only people who are not exposed, but to people that aren't. Did you know that the HIV virus can change in your system when two people with HIV expose themselves? That means that person's medication might no longer help them and their condition can worsen.
That being said, Bella Swann is a Bug Chaser. Vampirism is the fantasy equivalent of HIV. That's not to say it goes both ways, HIV is nothing like Vampirism. But in the sense, it is a death invoking bacteria that is spread through blood and destroys the immune system. In the same sense, Bella Swann seeks out vampirism because she is scared of real life. She can't relate to the people around her because she refuses to try, and the man who she loves more than anything on earth is a carrier for the disease. This combined with the fact that if Bella takes precautions, such as moving when it's apparent she isn't aging, and never stays in direct sunlight to expose her sparkly non-vampirism/humanity, she can live a long prosperous life.
So, what is the purpose of this article. Well, besides me reiterating that Stephanie Meyers is a terrible human being, be careful, because there are these kinds of people out there, and if you ever find yourself in the thrall of a sparkly vampire, find someone to hang out with or take up a musical instrument
Now, for those that don't know, a Bug Chaser, is a person who actively searches out people with HIV to become infected themselves. Far be it from me to make judgments on living people rather than people on print, this sick behavior is driven by many different views, most of which stem from fear. The most prominent of the reasons I myself have heard is that it is a freeing experience: once you have HIV, you don't have to be scared that one day you might catch it. Another reason I have heard is that HIV is no longer the death sentence it used to be, and with special care and medication, people with HIV can live long, fulfilling, and even healthy lives.
These reasons are completely stupid. I would never say that they are wrong: people are human and are therefore prone to err and make stupid decisions because they are scared. What you do to yourself has effects on yourself only....only if you are a hermit and never interact with any other human being on the planet for the remainder of your life. What if you are unsafe...just once with someone that doesn't share your point of view. What if they get directly exposed by some accident. You are endangering the people you know, not only people who are not exposed, but to people that aren't. Did you know that the HIV virus can change in your system when two people with HIV expose themselves? That means that person's medication might no longer help them and their condition can worsen.
That being said, Bella Swann is a Bug Chaser. Vampirism is the fantasy equivalent of HIV. That's not to say it goes both ways, HIV is nothing like Vampirism. But in the sense, it is a death invoking bacteria that is spread through blood and destroys the immune system. In the same sense, Bella Swann seeks out vampirism because she is scared of real life. She can't relate to the people around her because she refuses to try, and the man who she loves more than anything on earth is a carrier for the disease. This combined with the fact that if Bella takes precautions, such as moving when it's apparent she isn't aging, and never stays in direct sunlight to expose her sparkly non-vampirism/humanity, she can live a long prosperous life.
So, what is the purpose of this article. Well, besides me reiterating that Stephanie Meyers is a terrible human being, be careful, because there are these kinds of people out there, and if you ever find yourself in the thrall of a sparkly vampire, find someone to hang out with or take up a musical instrument
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Off With His Head! Who Killed Ned? (Spoilers)
Off with his head! The noble death, though many might dispute it these days. A quick snip, if you're strong, or have a good blade, or a guillotine, and then no more light in those pretty blue eyes. *Snick* and the crowd goes wild. A morbid thought, to be sure, but with Sean Bean's record as an actor, is anyone really surprised? Was anyone looking at Boromir...I mean poor dear Ned Stark thinking to themselves, "Now here's a character that I want to see around for a long time"? Or for those who devoutly read the book, was anyone reading about the antics of this truly noble, and for lack of a better word, idiotic man, expecting him to have a long shelf-life?
Like I said in the title, this piece of writing is heavy handed with spoilers, so if you have not read the book, I would say go out and buy it now. It took me a little over two months to finish Game of Thrones, not because it was bad. Unclean Spirits was bad, and I got through that just fine. It's not even that it's distasteful, Prince of Thorns was that, and it didn't take me that long to finish that, though I would suggest to readers out there that you include it in your list of books you should read, if only so that you can read its much better successor, King of Thorns. No, if anything, it can be said that between rules changing at work and school starting up, Game of Thrones has one sin, and that is that it can't decide if it wants to be interesting or dull. I like my cat analogy I originally intended to put in this reviews ill-fated predecessor. A good cat, you can leave the door open for and it will come and go as it will. You leave food for it, and water every so often, and it will share with you affections. You don't have to keep up after a cat, because they are self sufficient. Game of Thrones is a feral cat that got into your home when you weren't looking and refuses to leave without biting you. It's fine as long as you leave it alone: you give it space and let it do what it wants. But, every so often while you are minding your own business, it will leap off a bookshelf at you and try to claw your eyes out. Take of that what you will.
Now if you haven't seen the show either, which is remarkably similar in many ways to the original source material, then get off the internet and go get it. Philistines...
So who killed dear old Ned Stark? It seems a pretty standard question for anyone who has read the book or watched the show. Cersei gave the order for his arrest, Petyr betrayed him, (duh,) Joffery gave the order for his execution, and Illyn cut off his head. *Snick*, no more Ned and let the War of Kings begin. There has been no real debate about any of the intricacies about the manner of his death, at least none that I have seen so far. But, it is a simple thing to look at, and since I live off controversy like many people live off bread and air, I think I'll spin it a little bit so that I can get a rise out of you, or at least get you to think...just maybe I'm right.
Cersei Lannister: Oh, how everyone loves to cast an eye on Cersei Lannister. The eldest daughter of Tywin Lannister, she was, in a sense, sold off to Robert Baratheon, to become queen, and elevate the Lannister family, as Tywin loves to do. She is neglected as Robert's wife because he never truly loves her, and raises her children to be strong, independent youths, which she later comes to regret. When Ned Stark comes to her, telling her that she knows that her children are bastards, and that she and her children should flee before Robert gets back, what exactly did he expect her to do? It's really no surprise that she takes measures to protect herself, and for good reason or not, I don't really fault her for her cunning and ingenuity, only on the murder of her husband, which nobody in the book seems to pay any mind to. When Cersei sets up the death of her husband and succession of Joffery, she has no idea what's going to happen any more than anyone else does. She thinks she has things under control: Joffery becomes king, she becomes regent, and she's one step closer to more power than anyone in her sex has any chance of having. Little does she know that she becomes as much a pawn to Joffery as she was to her husband, if not more so because Joffery has no respect for her, or her position. I would not fault Cersei Lannister for Ned Starks death. The one death I would lay at her feet would be Robert's, and only done in self-defence, no matter how distastful it is. On a side note, anyone ever notice that you can't think of her as Cersei Baratheon...go ahead, it's pretty funny actually.
Petyr Baelish: What can be said of Petyr without ruining the plot of the other books. Master of Coin for Kings Landing, he's pretty much the most manipulative man in the kingdom, though not to the outward glance. He fawns over everyone, making nice with Ned Stark at one moment and insulting him in the same breath, but the thing you have to remember about Petyr Baelish is, he tells Ned not to trust him. Early on in fact, and if memory serves me, several times. if you look to one person and that person tell you, "Hey, don't depend on me, for anything," and you do anyway, what does that say about you? Do you mistrust a snake because it bites, or a cat for it's claws? If you poke at a sleeping bear and it mauls you, do you moan over what cruel fate it was for it to happen? Let's keep in mind that Petyr loved Catelin Stark so much that he proposed to duel Ned's brother for her hand in marriage even though he was of low birth. And, low and behold, after Ned's brothers death, rather than getting another chance, she's married off to Ned instead. How on earth did Ned think that this was going to be a trustworthy man, just because he was the Hand of the King, or even just because Petyr Baelish loved his wife? Petyr is a ladder climber, at his very nature, always looking to get a little bit higher. His "betrayal" to Ned was just another step in that direction.
Joffery: The boy king, the bastard child, the usurper's usurper. There is very little given to Joffery's motivation for having Ned Stark killed on the steps of Baelor rather than sending him off to the wall. Joffery, only being 12 or 13 years old and a prince, he's plucked from a simple life of pleasure from the two most powerful families in the realm to be a king with power to do whatever he wants. In a sense, hes not much different than Robert Arryn, who when given the slightest semblance of power, has a desire to throw dwarfs from mountain-tops for fun. I have a theory of my own about why Joffery had Ned Stark killed, and it's one that I know garners scrutiny, but I don't care, because it's my opinion and I'm sticking to it. The reason I believe that Joffery had Ned killed is that the two of them are so similar. Both are high born men in a lower position within the family, Joffery being a Lannister, directly below Robert in line of succession, and Ned being the second son of the Stark lineage, not thought to do anything besides be married to some high-born lady to become his brothers bannerman one day. In a sense, both men were fostered with Jon Arryn and Robert Baratheon, this being more clear with Ned, but when you think about it, since Joffery is a bastard child born of incest, Robert isn't really his father, and the hand of the King being the voice of the king, it's hard to believe that he didn't have a hand in raising Joffery, (especially since Robert doesn't seem to have spent much time raising the boy himself, being more of a big child, himself.) Both men are lead by their better natures, honor in Ned's case, and Joffery's sadism. Those same natures are the things that lead to their deaths, (yes I know this goes a little further in the books, but I needed to make a point.) I think that Joffery saw the similarities there, and a bit of, "neither may live while the other survives," went on in the background. Even with a confession of his traitorous actions, Joffery probably knew he would never stop until the rightful king was on the throne. But while I can understand reasoning for why Joffery might have decided to play Queen of Hearts with Ned's head, I don't actually believe that he's responsible for Ned's death.
Sansa Stark: This is where we begin to get a little further into conjecture, so you'll have to bear with me for a bit, I promise it makes sense in my head. While Robert is off on his ill-fated boar hunt, Ned goes to his daughters and tells them that he is shipping them back to Winterfell for safe keeping and breaking off Sansa's engagement. Both children act to their nature, which I like about GRRM's work. Arya is worried about her sword instructions and asks if her water dancer can go with them, which is all fine and good. But, Sansa...oh Sansa. I like to think of Sansa like a mix between a magic eight ball and a bobble head. I just imagine shaking her back and forth while her head bobbles back and forth while she says things like, "But I love him!" and, "Oh it's just like in the stories!" She cries because she wants to stay with a man she's known less than a year and was responsible for the death of her pet. Now, I get it, when a boy is mean that means he likes you and all that garbage, but Sansa Stark is so starry eyed and bobble headed that she goes a step farther. She tells Cersei Lannister about the plan to move, almost right after Ned Stark told her that he knew about her incest with Jamie. This causes Cersei to step up her plans to have Robert Baratheon killed, which leads to the capture and death of Ned Stark. One could say that she's just a child, that she doesn't know any better, but that's really no excuse for patricide. I like to think that more than anyone else, Sansa Stark is responsible for Ned being killed, but not the one that is responsible for killing him, which is the main point of this article. So who killed Ned?
Eddard Stark: Ned is responsible for his own death, but possibly not for the reason that you would think so. A lot of people complain that Eddard Stark is stupid: he tells Cersei about his suspicions about her children without talking to Robert Baratheon first. I mean seriously, he had the book, he had the bastard children, and he had a strong case. Robert was his best friend and loyal confidant, you can't say that he wouldn't have given it some thought. Ned couldn't have taken a horse to find the king on his hunt? He trusts a man who wants his wife, and has forever, and tells him not to trust him. He ignores the council of the one man in the kingdom, Varys, who is being up front with him, and ignores the council of Renly Baratheon, however rash it might have been. It's no surprise that everyone thinks that he's a fool, but I say thee, nay! These things don't make a person stupid. Not going how to play slap-jack doesn't make you stupid. Moving a piece poorly in a game of chess doesn't mean you deserve to be killed. Ned Stark doesn't know how to play the game because he was never raised to be the smart game-playing lord that his brother and father were. He was just supposed to get married off to some minor lords daughter and give kids. He was raised up to that without any prompting, and in my opinion, is the same to Joffery in the fact that he has no idea what he's really doing. He's going by instinct, and just because they are wrong, doesn't mean they are stupid. What he does that is stupid, is tell his children that he's moving them prior to actually doing it. He knew that he was going into a vipers nest when he went to Kings Landing, but he still took his children with him when he went. When he feels threatened, he does the only thing he can think to do, and that's to move his daughters out of the dangerous situation he's brought them into. That is the fatherly thing to do. But here's the kicker: he tells them what he plans on doing in advance. And not a few hours before hand, but days and days ahead of what he has planned to do. Ned Stark might not have been practiced in the ways of the "Game of Thrones", but he had fifteen years to raise his children and become a good father, and he fails in the one thing that actually matters, and that is knowing his own children. Sansa is a bobble-headed, starry-eyed, Joffery groupie, and yet he tells her that he's breaking up their engagement days in advance rather than just shipping them off with his best soldiers to keep them safe. What did he think she was going to do? Did he not know her at all? Was he not listening the entire time she was going, "Oh, I love Joffery, he's so strong, and brave and handsome-" *gag*. Ned killed himself the day that he decided his honor and best judgment was better than common sense of knowing his own children. Everything else falls into place after that, because that simple fact that he said something to the one person on earth that he should have: bobble-headed Sansa Stark, Kinslayer
Like I said in the title, this piece of writing is heavy handed with spoilers, so if you have not read the book, I would say go out and buy it now. It took me a little over two months to finish Game of Thrones, not because it was bad. Unclean Spirits was bad, and I got through that just fine. It's not even that it's distasteful, Prince of Thorns was that, and it didn't take me that long to finish that, though I would suggest to readers out there that you include it in your list of books you should read, if only so that you can read its much better successor, King of Thorns. No, if anything, it can be said that between rules changing at work and school starting up, Game of Thrones has one sin, and that is that it can't decide if it wants to be interesting or dull. I like my cat analogy I originally intended to put in this reviews ill-fated predecessor. A good cat, you can leave the door open for and it will come and go as it will. You leave food for it, and water every so often, and it will share with you affections. You don't have to keep up after a cat, because they are self sufficient. Game of Thrones is a feral cat that got into your home when you weren't looking and refuses to leave without biting you. It's fine as long as you leave it alone: you give it space and let it do what it wants. But, every so often while you are minding your own business, it will leap off a bookshelf at you and try to claw your eyes out. Take of that what you will.
Now if you haven't seen the show either, which is remarkably similar in many ways to the original source material, then get off the internet and go get it. Philistines...
So who killed dear old Ned Stark? It seems a pretty standard question for anyone who has read the book or watched the show. Cersei gave the order for his arrest, Petyr betrayed him, (duh,) Joffery gave the order for his execution, and Illyn cut off his head. *Snick*, no more Ned and let the War of Kings begin. There has been no real debate about any of the intricacies about the manner of his death, at least none that I have seen so far. But, it is a simple thing to look at, and since I live off controversy like many people live off bread and air, I think I'll spin it a little bit so that I can get a rise out of you, or at least get you to think...just maybe I'm right.
Cersei Lannister: Oh, how everyone loves to cast an eye on Cersei Lannister. The eldest daughter of Tywin Lannister, she was, in a sense, sold off to Robert Baratheon, to become queen, and elevate the Lannister family, as Tywin loves to do. She is neglected as Robert's wife because he never truly loves her, and raises her children to be strong, independent youths, which she later comes to regret. When Ned Stark comes to her, telling her that she knows that her children are bastards, and that she and her children should flee before Robert gets back, what exactly did he expect her to do? It's really no surprise that she takes measures to protect herself, and for good reason or not, I don't really fault her for her cunning and ingenuity, only on the murder of her husband, which nobody in the book seems to pay any mind to. When Cersei sets up the death of her husband and succession of Joffery, she has no idea what's going to happen any more than anyone else does. She thinks she has things under control: Joffery becomes king, she becomes regent, and she's one step closer to more power than anyone in her sex has any chance of having. Little does she know that she becomes as much a pawn to Joffery as she was to her husband, if not more so because Joffery has no respect for her, or her position. I would not fault Cersei Lannister for Ned Starks death. The one death I would lay at her feet would be Robert's, and only done in self-defence, no matter how distastful it is. On a side note, anyone ever notice that you can't think of her as Cersei Baratheon...go ahead, it's pretty funny actually.
Petyr Baelish: What can be said of Petyr without ruining the plot of the other books. Master of Coin for Kings Landing, he's pretty much the most manipulative man in the kingdom, though not to the outward glance. He fawns over everyone, making nice with Ned Stark at one moment and insulting him in the same breath, but the thing you have to remember about Petyr Baelish is, he tells Ned not to trust him. Early on in fact, and if memory serves me, several times. if you look to one person and that person tell you, "Hey, don't depend on me, for anything," and you do anyway, what does that say about you? Do you mistrust a snake because it bites, or a cat for it's claws? If you poke at a sleeping bear and it mauls you, do you moan over what cruel fate it was for it to happen? Let's keep in mind that Petyr loved Catelin Stark so much that he proposed to duel Ned's brother for her hand in marriage even though he was of low birth. And, low and behold, after Ned's brothers death, rather than getting another chance, she's married off to Ned instead. How on earth did Ned think that this was going to be a trustworthy man, just because he was the Hand of the King, or even just because Petyr Baelish loved his wife? Petyr is a ladder climber, at his very nature, always looking to get a little bit higher. His "betrayal" to Ned was just another step in that direction.
Joffery: The boy king, the bastard child, the usurper's usurper. There is very little given to Joffery's motivation for having Ned Stark killed on the steps of Baelor rather than sending him off to the wall. Joffery, only being 12 or 13 years old and a prince, he's plucked from a simple life of pleasure from the two most powerful families in the realm to be a king with power to do whatever he wants. In a sense, hes not much different than Robert Arryn, who when given the slightest semblance of power, has a desire to throw dwarfs from mountain-tops for fun. I have a theory of my own about why Joffery had Ned Stark killed, and it's one that I know garners scrutiny, but I don't care, because it's my opinion and I'm sticking to it. The reason I believe that Joffery had Ned killed is that the two of them are so similar. Both are high born men in a lower position within the family, Joffery being a Lannister, directly below Robert in line of succession, and Ned being the second son of the Stark lineage, not thought to do anything besides be married to some high-born lady to become his brothers bannerman one day. In a sense, both men were fostered with Jon Arryn and Robert Baratheon, this being more clear with Ned, but when you think about it, since Joffery is a bastard child born of incest, Robert isn't really his father, and the hand of the King being the voice of the king, it's hard to believe that he didn't have a hand in raising Joffery, (especially since Robert doesn't seem to have spent much time raising the boy himself, being more of a big child, himself.) Both men are lead by their better natures, honor in Ned's case, and Joffery's sadism. Those same natures are the things that lead to their deaths, (yes I know this goes a little further in the books, but I needed to make a point.) I think that Joffery saw the similarities there, and a bit of, "neither may live while the other survives," went on in the background. Even with a confession of his traitorous actions, Joffery probably knew he would never stop until the rightful king was on the throne. But while I can understand reasoning for why Joffery might have decided to play Queen of Hearts with Ned's head, I don't actually believe that he's responsible for Ned's death.
Sansa Stark: This is where we begin to get a little further into conjecture, so you'll have to bear with me for a bit, I promise it makes sense in my head. While Robert is off on his ill-fated boar hunt, Ned goes to his daughters and tells them that he is shipping them back to Winterfell for safe keeping and breaking off Sansa's engagement. Both children act to their nature, which I like about GRRM's work. Arya is worried about her sword instructions and asks if her water dancer can go with them, which is all fine and good. But, Sansa...oh Sansa. I like to think of Sansa like a mix between a magic eight ball and a bobble head. I just imagine shaking her back and forth while her head bobbles back and forth while she says things like, "But I love him!" and, "Oh it's just like in the stories!" She cries because she wants to stay with a man she's known less than a year and was responsible for the death of her pet. Now, I get it, when a boy is mean that means he likes you and all that garbage, but Sansa Stark is so starry eyed and bobble headed that she goes a step farther. She tells Cersei Lannister about the plan to move, almost right after Ned Stark told her that he knew about her incest with Jamie. This causes Cersei to step up her plans to have Robert Baratheon killed, which leads to the capture and death of Ned Stark. One could say that she's just a child, that she doesn't know any better, but that's really no excuse for patricide. I like to think that more than anyone else, Sansa Stark is responsible for Ned being killed, but not the one that is responsible for killing him, which is the main point of this article. So who killed Ned?
Eddard Stark: Ned is responsible for his own death, but possibly not for the reason that you would think so. A lot of people complain that Eddard Stark is stupid: he tells Cersei about his suspicions about her children without talking to Robert Baratheon first. I mean seriously, he had the book, he had the bastard children, and he had a strong case. Robert was his best friend and loyal confidant, you can't say that he wouldn't have given it some thought. Ned couldn't have taken a horse to find the king on his hunt? He trusts a man who wants his wife, and has forever, and tells him not to trust him. He ignores the council of the one man in the kingdom, Varys, who is being up front with him, and ignores the council of Renly Baratheon, however rash it might have been. It's no surprise that everyone thinks that he's a fool, but I say thee, nay! These things don't make a person stupid. Not going how to play slap-jack doesn't make you stupid. Moving a piece poorly in a game of chess doesn't mean you deserve to be killed. Ned Stark doesn't know how to play the game because he was never raised to be the smart game-playing lord that his brother and father were. He was just supposed to get married off to some minor lords daughter and give kids. He was raised up to that without any prompting, and in my opinion, is the same to Joffery in the fact that he has no idea what he's really doing. He's going by instinct, and just because they are wrong, doesn't mean they are stupid. What he does that is stupid, is tell his children that he's moving them prior to actually doing it. He knew that he was going into a vipers nest when he went to Kings Landing, but he still took his children with him when he went. When he feels threatened, he does the only thing he can think to do, and that's to move his daughters out of the dangerous situation he's brought them into. That is the fatherly thing to do. But here's the kicker: he tells them what he plans on doing in advance. And not a few hours before hand, but days and days ahead of what he has planned to do. Ned Stark might not have been practiced in the ways of the "Game of Thrones", but he had fifteen years to raise his children and become a good father, and he fails in the one thing that actually matters, and that is knowing his own children. Sansa is a bobble-headed, starry-eyed, Joffery groupie, and yet he tells her that he's breaking up their engagement days in advance rather than just shipping them off with his best soldiers to keep them safe. What did he think she was going to do? Did he not know her at all? Was he not listening the entire time she was going, "Oh, I love Joffery, he's so strong, and brave and handsome-" *gag*. Ned killed himself the day that he decided his honor and best judgment was better than common sense of knowing his own children. Everything else falls into place after that, because that simple fact that he said something to the one person on earth that he should have: bobble-headed Sansa Stark, Kinslayer
Film Typos - Percy Jackson and the Sea of Monsters
So it's been at a few weeks since I've gone to see Percy Jackson and the Sea of Monsters, and there is still something that has been bothering me since the credits got rolling, and that's this: Why did they make Anabeth's hair blonde?
I suppose I should backtrack a little, so lets go back to the first film, Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief. I know a lot of people were up in arms about the movie, but at the time I actually enjoyed it. Granted, once I went through the book series and saw the glaring errors, I could see what people were up in arms about, but other than that there was nothing that really effected me, and there's a good reason why. It's based off of a kids book.
These are not young adult books: the characters are all extremely young, the writing is juvenile, and the characters are all severely archetyped. Of course, the actors for the movies are all much older than the ones in the book, but that's just the way things go in movies. The whole point of going to the movies, though, was to be entertained. If you want a movie that is accurate to the book, then get a book no tape: you won't have to strain your eyes and if you get the right book then the voice actors can be quite entertaining, as well. I found the movie to be entertaining, but as far as things being wrong, it wasn't anything that couldn't be fixed by a sequel, unlike Eragon.
Now, on to the Sea of Monsters. Once again, I thought it was a pretty entertaining movie, but unlike the first time, I'd read the books, so I could see all of the errors, and to my surprise, they were pretty much the same as from the first movie. Things that would have been simple to put in were ignored, things that weren't important were forced in in their place and one spot that ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN IN THERE WAS THERE FOR NO GOOD REASON! This wasn't so much a surprise because like I said, they did this in the first movie. The part of it that bugged me the most though, was exactly what I brought up at the beginning: Why did they make Anabeth's hair blonde?
I know that this was one of the things people were really complaining about from the first movie. The actress who played Anabeth, or at least movie-Anabeth, (I'll get into that later,) was brunette, whereas the one from the book is described as being "blonde". I use quotations because it's never clear what kind of blonde, so I always just imagine here as some kind of dark blonde, not the bottle blonde I would expect from a daughter of Aphrodite. Apparently everyone raised hell about this, and it was such a big deal that they decided to make her blonde in the second movie. And let me tell you, it looks bad. I kept having to wonder if it was the same actress this time around. But, I can get past this for the fans sake, if only for one thing...nobody mentions it...like...at all.
This movie is the epitome of a bad boyfriend, who comes over to your house and says, "hey, there's something different about you." And then just kind of goes away to hit on your hot mother. They made Anabeth blonde, and nobody makes a comment about it, even though it's kind of a glaring change. I can see people not wanting people to say anything about Chiron getting a face-lift from Bond to Ripper, but Anabeth is both the same character and a main one. They had plenty of opportunity to say something about it, but rather than do that, they just kind of ignore it, like it's some kind of boil they're too polite to notice.
I don't really see why they needed to make her blonde, and the reason is because this Anabeth isn't the book-Anabeth, but movie-Anabeth. Now, Jacob, that's absolute rubbish, you might be thinking, there's no difference between the first and the second, but there is. For whatever reason, the main plot point of the Percy Jackson books, that being Kronos, was ignored in the first book, meaning there was no underlying reason for Luke's betrayal, there was no deep backstory about Anabeth and Luke being close friends since childhood, and the Anabeth from the books was a runaway, she had spent very little time outside of the camp, and none of it was after she had gone there for the first time. The Anabeth from the movies is headstrong and knowledgeable, confident and strong, and while it isn't taken at the snail pace it was in the book, however obvious, the romance between Percy and her is more developed.
Now, you might be asking me what this has to do with anything. Well, the answer is this, because the Anabeth from the movie is so different than the one from the book, there was no reason to make any cosmetic changes to the actress for the sake of continuity. If you are going to make a movie that is loosely based off the text, then do it: go all out, make Percy a sea monster and Anabeth an incarnation of Athena, and make Grover a robot. If you make such glaring changes to the story then there is no reason for you to freak out that people are screaming for your heads that Percy isn't 12 and Anabeth isn't blonde, because you are already making changes to the things that actually matter, and every thing else...well it's just pointless pandering when compared to $)(*#(*$)(*% at the end of the movie. See, had you scared there for a second
I suppose I should backtrack a little, so lets go back to the first film, Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief. I know a lot of people were up in arms about the movie, but at the time I actually enjoyed it. Granted, once I went through the book series and saw the glaring errors, I could see what people were up in arms about, but other than that there was nothing that really effected me, and there's a good reason why. It's based off of a kids book.
These are not young adult books: the characters are all extremely young, the writing is juvenile, and the characters are all severely archetyped. Of course, the actors for the movies are all much older than the ones in the book, but that's just the way things go in movies. The whole point of going to the movies, though, was to be entertained. If you want a movie that is accurate to the book, then get a book no tape: you won't have to strain your eyes and if you get the right book then the voice actors can be quite entertaining, as well. I found the movie to be entertaining, but as far as things being wrong, it wasn't anything that couldn't be fixed by a sequel, unlike Eragon.
Now, on to the Sea of Monsters. Once again, I thought it was a pretty entertaining movie, but unlike the first time, I'd read the books, so I could see all of the errors, and to my surprise, they were pretty much the same as from the first movie. Things that would have been simple to put in were ignored, things that weren't important were forced in in their place and one spot that ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN IN THERE WAS THERE FOR NO GOOD REASON! This wasn't so much a surprise because like I said, they did this in the first movie. The part of it that bugged me the most though, was exactly what I brought up at the beginning: Why did they make Anabeth's hair blonde?
I know that this was one of the things people were really complaining about from the first movie. The actress who played Anabeth, or at least movie-Anabeth, (I'll get into that later,) was brunette, whereas the one from the book is described as being "blonde". I use quotations because it's never clear what kind of blonde, so I always just imagine here as some kind of dark blonde, not the bottle blonde I would expect from a daughter of Aphrodite. Apparently everyone raised hell about this, and it was such a big deal that they decided to make her blonde in the second movie. And let me tell you, it looks bad. I kept having to wonder if it was the same actress this time around. But, I can get past this for the fans sake, if only for one thing...nobody mentions it...like...at all.
This movie is the epitome of a bad boyfriend, who comes over to your house and says, "hey, there's something different about you." And then just kind of goes away to hit on your hot mother. They made Anabeth blonde, and nobody makes a comment about it, even though it's kind of a glaring change. I can see people not wanting people to say anything about Chiron getting a face-lift from Bond to Ripper, but Anabeth is both the same character and a main one. They had plenty of opportunity to say something about it, but rather than do that, they just kind of ignore it, like it's some kind of boil they're too polite to notice.
I don't really see why they needed to make her blonde, and the reason is because this Anabeth isn't the book-Anabeth, but movie-Anabeth. Now, Jacob, that's absolute rubbish, you might be thinking, there's no difference between the first and the second, but there is. For whatever reason, the main plot point of the Percy Jackson books, that being Kronos, was ignored in the first book, meaning there was no underlying reason for Luke's betrayal, there was no deep backstory about Anabeth and Luke being close friends since childhood, and the Anabeth from the books was a runaway, she had spent very little time outside of the camp, and none of it was after she had gone there for the first time. The Anabeth from the movies is headstrong and knowledgeable, confident and strong, and while it isn't taken at the snail pace it was in the book, however obvious, the romance between Percy and her is more developed.
Now, you might be asking me what this has to do with anything. Well, the answer is this, because the Anabeth from the movie is so different than the one from the book, there was no reason to make any cosmetic changes to the actress for the sake of continuity. If you are going to make a movie that is loosely based off the text, then do it: go all out, make Percy a sea monster and Anabeth an incarnation of Athena, and make Grover a robot. If you make such glaring changes to the story then there is no reason for you to freak out that people are screaming for your heads that Percy isn't 12 and Anabeth isn't blonde, because you are already making changes to the things that actually matter, and every thing else...well it's just pointless pandering when compared to $)(*#(*$)(*% at the end of the movie. See, had you scared there for a second
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Why: Twilight Has Filled A Niche and No One Can Fill It
This is not a good thing, mind you. I don't want anyone to read this title and go, "Oh, wow, Jacob likes Twilight, now." I have not recently suffered a blow to the head or started huffing paint...not to say that Twilight fans do any of those things. They do worse, they read the books.
There's been a meteoric rise in book-to-movie adaptations of YA novels, Young Adult books for the uninitiated, over the last few years. There has been even more in the last year since the final Twilight movie slumped, still-born and repulsive, out of the box office. For those of you out there, shaking your fist at me for being so heartless and cruel, let me remind you that Dynasty had already done a similar trope in their final hours of fame, and, as poorly received as it was back then, it hasn't gotten better with age.
Where was I? You'll have to forgive me, I could go on for hours about how awful the series is, but I simply wanted to make a point. This is not a review to cast a light on the spectacle of Twilight, because honestly, bad reviews do more for bad books than good ones, and every time I say the name of the series I can hear Stephanie Meyers' pockets filling with more ill-gotten money than a Nazi during Blitzkrieg. The point is that the series created a fandom with marketing and influence that I haven't seen since Star Wars came out with the second trilogy, with fans more obsessed than the people on Trekkies. And why is that? Who knows, it was the wrong place at the wrong time, and once that sparkly vampire was out of the box, it just kept glowing no matter how deep I buried it.
But, why is it that with all the Twilight, (cha-ching, dammit Meyers!) off brand movies coming out, none of them have been able to match the success that their predecessors have made before. I always think of it like a flight of geese: Meyers was the brain dead goose that somehow got to the head of the flock and made it easier for all of its less popular geese-cousins to follow in it's wake. Now Meyers has gotten tired and moved off to the side, and rather than a smarter goose taking the lead and getting the rest where they need to go, they've flown into the arctic, had their wings frozen and exploded in mid-air. And then someone came around and made a nasty facebook post about them.
So what did the Twilight Series do that the others just aren't getting? Well for one thing, everyone else is writing with a plot. Look at a general plot like Game of Thrones. The plot was central to the story without being the majority of it. The characters of the story revolved around the plot, and character development and conflict revolve around the characters. A good climax to the story comes along and effects the majority of the characters if not all of them, and ends with the reader wanting more. Regardless of whether you like a story-driven or character-driven book, you can all agree that a plot is important to a book. I like to think of it as a galaxy: the plot is the sun, the characters are the planets, development are the moons and the climax is a set of meteors about to destroy everything. Goofy as it sounds, it's apt for the point I'm about to make.
For Twilight, they skewed the entire galaxy, making it seem like they have a plot, but in reality, in it's place is only conflict. Rather than a plot-sun, Twilight's galaxy model revolves around conflict and little "forbidden romance" tropes to draw in readers. Think about it, the characters are in school but do they ever actually talk about school beyond the Romeo and Juliet sections Meyers forces down your throat in an attempt to sound worldly? No, she's got vampires and werewolves and a forced love triangle so weak it makes people wearing "Team Jacob" t-shirts look like people who wear "Vote Gore" buttons. Around their conflict-sun, float little character planets with no real development. 200-year-old Vampires don't really develop, and when you try to make them it is contrived, and "Dynasty-Level-Weak". In exchange of a climactic meteor shower, a plot-shower is in it's place, spitting at the planets, hitting some, but mostly just aiming wastefully aside like a group of children spitting at someone off a balcony. They're not likely to hit you, and it's somewhat amusing to watch them try.
And that is the reason, in my opinion, that all of these other YA book-to-movie adaptations are failing, or at least not cashing in as well on the waning popularity that Twilight got. Books like Beautiful Creatures and (shudder,) City of Bones, are trying for the otherworldly romance of a "normal" protagonist and a soft-core gooey supernatural love interest. They think that this is the source of the popularity, a plot about whether they can make it or not, but in reality, 90% of Twilight is just about how wrong their relationship is and how they can make it work anyway. That's not a plot, but that's what sold Twilight, and that's why others have been failing in its wake.
So, what do we do? I know we are all getting a little tired of the YA movies coming out, and to be honest, after Percy Jackson 2.0, I just want the Hunger Games movies to be over so that I can get back to avoiding the movie theaters for awhile, at least until X-Men: Days of Future Past comes out. And, to be honest, I think that's what movies need to do: wait. Wait for the next fad so they can cash in on something moderately original and not so embarrassing. Because to be perfectly honest, if I find out they're going to try Eragon again, I might just blow a fuse and start throwing paperback copies of The Hobbit from the nearest water-tower 'til they lock me up in the looney bin.
There's been a meteoric rise in book-to-movie adaptations of YA novels, Young Adult books for the uninitiated, over the last few years. There has been even more in the last year since the final Twilight movie slumped, still-born and repulsive, out of the box office. For those of you out there, shaking your fist at me for being so heartless and cruel, let me remind you that Dynasty had already done a similar trope in their final hours of fame, and, as poorly received as it was back then, it hasn't gotten better with age.
Where was I? You'll have to forgive me, I could go on for hours about how awful the series is, but I simply wanted to make a point. This is not a review to cast a light on the spectacle of Twilight, because honestly, bad reviews do more for bad books than good ones, and every time I say the name of the series I can hear Stephanie Meyers' pockets filling with more ill-gotten money than a Nazi during Blitzkrieg. The point is that the series created a fandom with marketing and influence that I haven't seen since Star Wars came out with the second trilogy, with fans more obsessed than the people on Trekkies. And why is that? Who knows, it was the wrong place at the wrong time, and once that sparkly vampire was out of the box, it just kept glowing no matter how deep I buried it.
But, why is it that with all the Twilight, (cha-ching, dammit Meyers!) off brand movies coming out, none of them have been able to match the success that their predecessors have made before. I always think of it like a flight of geese: Meyers was the brain dead goose that somehow got to the head of the flock and made it easier for all of its less popular geese-cousins to follow in it's wake. Now Meyers has gotten tired and moved off to the side, and rather than a smarter goose taking the lead and getting the rest where they need to go, they've flown into the arctic, had their wings frozen and exploded in mid-air. And then someone came around and made a nasty facebook post about them.
So what did the Twilight Series do that the others just aren't getting? Well for one thing, everyone else is writing with a plot. Look at a general plot like Game of Thrones. The plot was central to the story without being the majority of it. The characters of the story revolved around the plot, and character development and conflict revolve around the characters. A good climax to the story comes along and effects the majority of the characters if not all of them, and ends with the reader wanting more. Regardless of whether you like a story-driven or character-driven book, you can all agree that a plot is important to a book. I like to think of it as a galaxy: the plot is the sun, the characters are the planets, development are the moons and the climax is a set of meteors about to destroy everything. Goofy as it sounds, it's apt for the point I'm about to make.
For Twilight, they skewed the entire galaxy, making it seem like they have a plot, but in reality, in it's place is only conflict. Rather than a plot-sun, Twilight's galaxy model revolves around conflict and little "forbidden romance" tropes to draw in readers. Think about it, the characters are in school but do they ever actually talk about school beyond the Romeo and Juliet sections Meyers forces down your throat in an attempt to sound worldly? No, she's got vampires and werewolves and a forced love triangle so weak it makes people wearing "Team Jacob" t-shirts look like people who wear "Vote Gore" buttons. Around their conflict-sun, float little character planets with no real development. 200-year-old Vampires don't really develop, and when you try to make them it is contrived, and "Dynasty-Level-Weak". In exchange of a climactic meteor shower, a plot-shower is in it's place, spitting at the planets, hitting some, but mostly just aiming wastefully aside like a group of children spitting at someone off a balcony. They're not likely to hit you, and it's somewhat amusing to watch them try.
And that is the reason, in my opinion, that all of these other YA book-to-movie adaptations are failing, or at least not cashing in as well on the waning popularity that Twilight got. Books like Beautiful Creatures and (shudder,) City of Bones, are trying for the otherworldly romance of a "normal" protagonist and a soft-core gooey supernatural love interest. They think that this is the source of the popularity, a plot about whether they can make it or not, but in reality, 90% of Twilight is just about how wrong their relationship is and how they can make it work anyway. That's not a plot, but that's what sold Twilight, and that's why others have been failing in its wake.
So, what do we do? I know we are all getting a little tired of the YA movies coming out, and to be honest, after Percy Jackson 2.0, I just want the Hunger Games movies to be over so that I can get back to avoiding the movie theaters for awhile, at least until X-Men: Days of Future Past comes out. And, to be honest, I think that's what movies need to do: wait. Wait for the next fad so they can cash in on something moderately original and not so embarrassing. Because to be perfectly honest, if I find out they're going to try Eragon again, I might just blow a fuse and start throwing paperback copies of The Hobbit from the nearest water-tower 'til they lock me up in the looney bin.
Single Handed: Finale
As promised, this is the final part to Single Handed, both parts. I know it's a bit long, but just keep in mind that it's wrapping up two sections of a story. Not much to say about it: nobody has really had anything good or bad to say about the story up til now, so I'm just assuming it's been well received. I'm funny like that. So, without further ado, the Finale to Single Handed by Jacob Moore.
I was woken from the blackness by whispered voices. I didn’t care where I was. I was
warm, and I didn’t have a rabid wolf on me anymore, and that was all that mattered. I just laid
there for a while, enjoying not doing anything until the voices got louder and I could no longer
ignore them.
Opening my eyes, I saw that I was in a hospital, lying on a bed in a gown too small for me.
An I.V. hung next to the bed, and considering I couldn’t feel my fingers, I bet it was on the good
stuff. Or dead: dead people probably couldn’t feel their fingers either, right? Definitely the good
stuff.
The room wasn’t empty, of course. A female doctor was arguing with a cop who was, in
turn, waving emphatically for her to get out.
“It’s not appropriate,” she hissed as he pushed her firmly towards the door.
“And I told you, I don’t care. He should have a friend here when he wakes up, not some
quack!” I recognized the voice, and while I was annoyed, I couldn’t help but smile at his
presumption. “Tell me what?” I asked. The doctor zeroed in on me like a missile, but the cop took the
opportunity to give one last good shove that sent her flying through the opened door.
Over the sound of metal and plastic crashing to the ground, Lt. Locke called out, “You
two, keeper out…or shoot her. I don’t really care which,” and he slammed the door, walking over
to the bedside. In a city full of blondes and ravens, Alex Locke was an anomaly with his flaming
red hair and freckles over his Asgard pale skin. He was friendly enough for having as touch a job
as he had, and was almost always smiling ear to ear, even now. My father had always said he’d
never be a good cop: he was too thin, frail, and friendly. I knew better. If anything, Alex was too
smart.
“Friend, huh?” I said, smiling up at him. “Stretching it a little, aren’t you?”
“Suit yourself, boss,” Locke said, sketching out a little salute. “Don’t know why we can’t
be both.”
“What happened, Locke?”
Locke’s face clouded over, but he grimaced as he started. “From what we understand, the
Wolves knew your route somehow. That’s being looked into. They hijacked a snowplow and
knocked the transport van over. The plow backed out and the Wolves swarmed the area,
making it possible for Fenton to escape. One of the officers called in for backup shortly after
things started.
“My unit was in the area. I coordinated with five others, and we circled the wagons. We
got every one of them: ten total, three injured. We had light casualties over all, but the officer
who called in for backup was killed.” “Did you get Fenton back to jail?” I asked. Locke stopped talking and frowned down at
me, “What?”
“I just said that one of your men died and all you want to know is if some scumbag is
back in jail?”
I scowled and attempted to straighten myself in the bed, “What was his name?”
“How should I know?”
“If you can tell me, I can tell you what his unit number was, how long he’s been with us,
even how often he came in with scuffed boots. I’ll know his parents, because I’ll have to call
them and arrange his funeral expenses. I have time to mourn my officer later, so don’t tell me
how to prioritize! Now answer my goddamn question, Lieutenant!”
By the time I finished shouting, my stomach was hurting and I had to remind myself that
I’d been recently stabbed. Locke turned around for a few minutes, but recovered, angry, but
controlling himself.
“We found Fenton in the snow plow without the keys to start it. He was half frozen and
bleeding. He’s got some new charges against him now…now what?”
I was staring at him, aghast, “How did he get in the plow? I had him cuffed to me. I
couldn’t let him get away again. What did he do?”
Realization seemed to come to Locke, and it made his already pale skin lighter, “We
thought you knew…there was so much blood. We didn’t think anyone could go through it and
not know.”
“I passed out when he tried filleting me, Locke. What did he do?”
“He cut off your hand…” The words didn’t seem to register, spoken so matter-of-factly…so blunt. He was talking
again, but I couldn’t put the words together. I felt around, and sure enough, I realized that I
could feel one hand, but everything below the other wrist was numb. I pulled my arm out of the
sheets and looked. The stump was well rounded with bandages, clean linen encircling an arm
that used to be whole.
I gazed at it like a man trying to puzzle out some sort of abstract art, and hours seemed
to pass by at a time before something inside me seemed to click out of place. With a snarl, I
attacked the bandages with my remaining digits, pulling at the neat, clean, offensive linen,
ripping and tearing at it in rage.
Locke reached for me, and I shouted, pushing him backwards where he crashed into the
wall. The door opened and two uniformed cops looked in, obviously concerned. I ignored them
and finished unwrapping the bandages. The stump was well stitched, but red and angry as it
came into the light. I looked at it, and felt the piece I’d lost slip further away. I’d sacrificed my
hand…my flesh and my blood…the only thing I had in this world.
“Where’s my hand?” I asked to no one in particular.
Locke looked hurt but answered, avoiding looking at my arm, “Fenton didn’t have it, and
we couldn’t find it anywhere. I’m sorry.”
“’Sorry?” I said, glaring at the stump…my stump, refusing to look at anything else. I’d lost
my hand, and what did I have now? “Get out.”
“I don’t think you should be alone right now, Kris -” Locke started to say.
“That’s Chief Tyler, Lieutenant!” I shouted, feeling the stitches in my stomach pulling, but
I couldn’t bring myself to care. “Now get your ass out of here! Now!”Locke frowned and walked back to the door where the officers had disappeared.
Grabbing the door, Locke turned back to me and glared. “Suit yourself, boss,” he said, and
slammed the door, leaving me alone. Just me…and the price of my obsession.
***
“Let me get this straight,” Locke said, perched on the edge of my bed while I re-wrapped
my bandages, having thrown the bloody ones in the trash when I’d gotten home. “Some woman
off the street pulls a gun on you and demands you open your safe deposit box. You take her
there, give her a ring and pull a gun on her. The teller comes in to check on you, the woman
shoots her, making everyone in the bank think the one-handed guy with the gun did it,
effectively stopping your pursuit. You then attend to the teller’s wound ‘til the paramedics show
up. Did I miss anything?”
I finished wrapping the bandages and turned back to Locke. After the paramedics had
taken Anna to the hospital, cops came to question me. Recognizing me, they’d called up to
Locke who had ordered me taken home. He’d shown up ten minutes later, bright and shiny in
his uniform and not smiling at all.
“Nope, that pretty much covers it,” I said.
“Oh good, ‘cause I’m trying to get a baseline for the new and improved, retired
Kristopher Tyler, but it’s not like they make a litmus test for this.”
“Hey, I was just going to get a new coffee pot.”
Locke raised his eyebrow and looked at the mess of sludge and glass around the room,
then back at me. I shrugged. I hadn't had time to clean before he’d shown up.
“Why didn't you go after her?” Locke asked, bringing us back on topic.“You know, I remember a young punk Lieutenant getting mouthy with me after I asked a
similarly insensitive question,” I said, frowning down at him.
“That ‘punk’ is Chief now, and understands how to prioritize,” Locke said, getting off the
bed and walking towards the door.
“Then you missed the point I was trying to make,” I said. “If Fenton had escaped, he
would have killed more people, maybe even more cops. If I’d chased after that woman, the
teller, whose name is Anna, by the way, would have died, even if I had caught her. My
responsibility is always going to be towards the people I can help, Locke.”
Locke seemed to think it over for a minute before nodding and going for the doorknob.
Before he opened it, he snapped his fingers in an all too familiar manner that made me glad I no
longer had my gun in hand. “That ring she took,” Locke said, turning around. There was an eager
glint in his eyes, but otherwise, he appeared calm. “What did it look like?”
“It was a cheap knock off of my grandmother’s wedding ring,” I said. “My mother lost
the original and didn’t have the heart to tell my father. It was a plain gold band…almost man-ish.
Why?”
“No reason,” Locke said, frowning. “Missing evidence from the Wagner murders, but it’s
not your problem.”
“Welcome to my life, Locke,” I said, as he turned his back to me, opened the door, and
started out. “Sometimes things just go that way.”
Locke nodded and closed the door. I walked over to the kitchen. Everything was
connected to the ring. Fenton and now Helena both wanted it. I watched out the small, dirty picture window above the sink until all the police units drove off then walked over to the phone
and picked it off its cradle. Digging my fingernail into the seam, I cracked it open like an oyster.
Inside, where I’d removed the ringer three months ago laid a small evidence bag.
Nestled in it was a small ring with a minuscule diamond setting…a ring familiar to me since I’d
seen its owner wearing it so proudly in his youth. Just visible on the inside, dull and faded in the
fluorescent kitchen lights, read: Alex Elias Locke.
I was woken from the blackness by whispered voices. I didn’t care where I was. I was
warm, and I didn’t have a rabid wolf on me anymore, and that was all that mattered. I just laid
there for a while, enjoying not doing anything until the voices got louder and I could no longer
ignore them.
Opening my eyes, I saw that I was in a hospital, lying on a bed in a gown too small for me.
An I.V. hung next to the bed, and considering I couldn’t feel my fingers, I bet it was on the good
stuff. Or dead: dead people probably couldn’t feel their fingers either, right? Definitely the good
stuff.
The room wasn’t empty, of course. A female doctor was arguing with a cop who was, in
turn, waving emphatically for her to get out.
“It’s not appropriate,” she hissed as he pushed her firmly towards the door.
“And I told you, I don’t care. He should have a friend here when he wakes up, not some
quack!” I recognized the voice, and while I was annoyed, I couldn’t help but smile at his
presumption. “Tell me what?” I asked. The doctor zeroed in on me like a missile, but the cop took the
opportunity to give one last good shove that sent her flying through the opened door.
Over the sound of metal and plastic crashing to the ground, Lt. Locke called out, “You
two, keeper out…or shoot her. I don’t really care which,” and he slammed the door, walking over
to the bedside. In a city full of blondes and ravens, Alex Locke was an anomaly with his flaming
red hair and freckles over his Asgard pale skin. He was friendly enough for having as touch a job
as he had, and was almost always smiling ear to ear, even now. My father had always said he’d
never be a good cop: he was too thin, frail, and friendly. I knew better. If anything, Alex was too
smart.
“Friend, huh?” I said, smiling up at him. “Stretching it a little, aren’t you?”
“Suit yourself, boss,” Locke said, sketching out a little salute. “Don’t know why we can’t
be both.”
“What happened, Locke?”
Locke’s face clouded over, but he grimaced as he started. “From what we understand, the
Wolves knew your route somehow. That’s being looked into. They hijacked a snowplow and
knocked the transport van over. The plow backed out and the Wolves swarmed the area,
making it possible for Fenton to escape. One of the officers called in for backup shortly after
things started.
“My unit was in the area. I coordinated with five others, and we circled the wagons. We
got every one of them: ten total, three injured. We had light casualties over all, but the officer
who called in for backup was killed.” “Did you get Fenton back to jail?” I asked. Locke stopped talking and frowned down at
me, “What?”
“I just said that one of your men died and all you want to know is if some scumbag is
back in jail?”
I scowled and attempted to straighten myself in the bed, “What was his name?”
“How should I know?”
“If you can tell me, I can tell you what his unit number was, how long he’s been with us,
even how often he came in with scuffed boots. I’ll know his parents, because I’ll have to call
them and arrange his funeral expenses. I have time to mourn my officer later, so don’t tell me
how to prioritize! Now answer my goddamn question, Lieutenant!”
By the time I finished shouting, my stomach was hurting and I had to remind myself that
I’d been recently stabbed. Locke turned around for a few minutes, but recovered, angry, but
controlling himself.
“We found Fenton in the snow plow without the keys to start it. He was half frozen and
bleeding. He’s got some new charges against him now…now what?”
I was staring at him, aghast, “How did he get in the plow? I had him cuffed to me. I
couldn’t let him get away again. What did he do?”
Realization seemed to come to Locke, and it made his already pale skin lighter, “We
thought you knew…there was so much blood. We didn’t think anyone could go through it and
not know.”
“I passed out when he tried filleting me, Locke. What did he do?”
“He cut off your hand…” The words didn’t seem to register, spoken so matter-of-factly…so blunt. He was talking
again, but I couldn’t put the words together. I felt around, and sure enough, I realized that I
could feel one hand, but everything below the other wrist was numb. I pulled my arm out of the
sheets and looked. The stump was well rounded with bandages, clean linen encircling an arm
that used to be whole.
I gazed at it like a man trying to puzzle out some sort of abstract art, and hours seemed
to pass by at a time before something inside me seemed to click out of place. With a snarl, I
attacked the bandages with my remaining digits, pulling at the neat, clean, offensive linen,
ripping and tearing at it in rage.
Locke reached for me, and I shouted, pushing him backwards where he crashed into the
wall. The door opened and two uniformed cops looked in, obviously concerned. I ignored them
and finished unwrapping the bandages. The stump was well stitched, but red and angry as it
came into the light. I looked at it, and felt the piece I’d lost slip further away. I’d sacrificed my
hand…my flesh and my blood…the only thing I had in this world.
“Where’s my hand?” I asked to no one in particular.
Locke looked hurt but answered, avoiding looking at my arm, “Fenton didn’t have it, and
we couldn’t find it anywhere. I’m sorry.”
“’Sorry?” I said, glaring at the stump…my stump, refusing to look at anything else. I’d lost
my hand, and what did I have now? “Get out.”
“I don’t think you should be alone right now, Kris -” Locke started to say.
“That’s Chief Tyler, Lieutenant!” I shouted, feeling the stitches in my stomach pulling, but
I couldn’t bring myself to care. “Now get your ass out of here! Now!”Locke frowned and walked back to the door where the officers had disappeared.
Grabbing the door, Locke turned back to me and glared. “Suit yourself, boss,” he said, and
slammed the door, leaving me alone. Just me…and the price of my obsession.
***
“Let me get this straight,” Locke said, perched on the edge of my bed while I re-wrapped
my bandages, having thrown the bloody ones in the trash when I’d gotten home. “Some woman
off the street pulls a gun on you and demands you open your safe deposit box. You take her
there, give her a ring and pull a gun on her. The teller comes in to check on you, the woman
shoots her, making everyone in the bank think the one-handed guy with the gun did it,
effectively stopping your pursuit. You then attend to the teller’s wound ‘til the paramedics show
up. Did I miss anything?”
I finished wrapping the bandages and turned back to Locke. After the paramedics had
taken Anna to the hospital, cops came to question me. Recognizing me, they’d called up to
Locke who had ordered me taken home. He’d shown up ten minutes later, bright and shiny in
his uniform and not smiling at all.
“Nope, that pretty much covers it,” I said.
“Oh good, ‘cause I’m trying to get a baseline for the new and improved, retired
Kristopher Tyler, but it’s not like they make a litmus test for this.”
“Hey, I was just going to get a new coffee pot.”
Locke raised his eyebrow and looked at the mess of sludge and glass around the room,
then back at me. I shrugged. I hadn't had time to clean before he’d shown up.
“Why didn't you go after her?” Locke asked, bringing us back on topic.“You know, I remember a young punk Lieutenant getting mouthy with me after I asked a
similarly insensitive question,” I said, frowning down at him.
“That ‘punk’ is Chief now, and understands how to prioritize,” Locke said, getting off the
bed and walking towards the door.
“Then you missed the point I was trying to make,” I said. “If Fenton had escaped, he
would have killed more people, maybe even more cops. If I’d chased after that woman, the
teller, whose name is Anna, by the way, would have died, even if I had caught her. My
responsibility is always going to be towards the people I can help, Locke.”
Locke seemed to think it over for a minute before nodding and going for the doorknob.
Before he opened it, he snapped his fingers in an all too familiar manner that made me glad I no
longer had my gun in hand. “That ring she took,” Locke said, turning around. There was an eager
glint in his eyes, but otherwise, he appeared calm. “What did it look like?”
“It was a cheap knock off of my grandmother’s wedding ring,” I said. “My mother lost
the original and didn’t have the heart to tell my father. It was a plain gold band…almost man-ish.
Why?”
“No reason,” Locke said, frowning. “Missing evidence from the Wagner murders, but it’s
not your problem.”
“Welcome to my life, Locke,” I said, as he turned his back to me, opened the door, and
started out. “Sometimes things just go that way.”
Locke nodded and closed the door. I walked over to the kitchen. Everything was
connected to the ring. Fenton and now Helena both wanted it. I watched out the small, dirty picture window above the sink until all the police units drove off then walked over to the phone
and picked it off its cradle. Digging my fingernail into the seam, I cracked it open like an oyster.
Inside, where I’d removed the ringer three months ago laid a small evidence bag.
Nestled in it was a small ring with a minuscule diamond setting…a ring familiar to me since I’d
seen its owner wearing it so proudly in his youth. Just visible on the inside, dull and faded in the
fluorescent kitchen lights, read: Alex Elias Locke.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Single Handed Part 5
*Hey everyone. Didn't drop off the planet or die or anything like that. I know that I promised a whole week of Game of Thrones by GRRM, but unfortunately changes in policies at work made it so that I have to find new times to read, and with a new semester coming up, its going to become more so. I have changed things up by buying the audiobook for Game of Thrones, but as another slap to the face, the guy who does the audiobook is dull as...well he actually makes paste look interesting and watching paint dry like a worthwhile pursuit. So, to make up for my lateness, I'm going to post the next segment of Single Handed. There are only two more sections left after this, and I might combine the past a present endings into one post, just to wind things up. In the meantime, please enjoy*
Like many birds in the wild, businesses in Asgard tended to mate for life with their
locales. The First Asgard Credit Union was the perfect example. Even with the neighborhood
decline, they were still open at 9:00 AM every weekday and closed at five. Of course, they were
massively understaffed with only one teller and an elderly guard named Al who slept by the
door for most of his shift. The teller, a young woman named Anna, was busy when we entered. I flashed my keys at
her and she rushed forward when she recognized me.
“What can I do for you, Mr. Tyler?”
“I need to get into my safety deposit box,” I said, grabbing Helena around the waist and
pulling her close to my side where she yelped and grabbed my stump warningly. “We’re getting
engaged and I need my grandmother’s ring.”
Anna’s look of excitement was tempered by the grimace on Helena’s scarred face and
rather than congratulate us, she simply nodded and walked over to the box vault and unlocked
it. “I’m really busy, Mr. Tyler. I’ll leave it unlocked. Just wave to me before you leave.” That said,
she walked back to her desk. I opened the door for Helena and we both walked in, shutting it
behind us.
The room was mostly empty. A plain plastic table sat in its center. The walls around it
were etched with varying sized slots. Helena stayed by the door, her arms crossed as she
watched me walk across the room to box 289. Unlocking it, I took a box the size of an old VCR
out, and set it down on the table.
“You haven’t told me what you want…” I said as I unlocked the box.
“Don’t act stupid, Chief,” she said, smiling at me from her corner, “I want the ring.”
I reached into the box and pulled out a small gold ring and tossed it across the room to
her. As soon as the ring left my hand, I reached back into the box and pulled out a little Walther
PPK handgun and pointed it at Helena, who disregarded it as she examined the ring in her hand.
“Another fake,” she said with a sigh, a look of disappointment on her face. “You do realize
that the engagement is off now, right?” “Shame. I always thought I’d marry for looks, anyway,” I said. With my stump, I twirled
the box around so she could see the empty contents. “You must think I’m an idiot.”
“Honestly?” she said. Taking the ring, Helena placed it on her right pinky and smiled
mockingly at me. “Okay Quick-Draw, you got me. Now what?”
“Cops…jail…court…I figured we could do the whole song and dance.”
“You’re forgetting something,” Helena said. “If I don’t get out of here, Graham’s going to
-”
“I’m not worried about Graham,” I said, cutting her off and smiling. “Third floors of most
of those buildings don’t hold heat. There’s not a chance a family of four would live there. I used
to be Chief, but I was a detective for a few years. Don’t insult my intelligence.”
For the first time, Helena seemed to falter. “Everything’s coming together,” I said, keeping
the gun trained on her as I walked around the table. “Drug dealers getting free passes from cops
made me wonder who else was getting lucky. Well…Elias Fenton seemed to be a little too slick.
It was easy enough to get him to talk: all I had to do was play dumb and flash the ring around,
and before long he was answering questions I hadn’t even thought of yet.
“The ambush was a mystery. Why make such a big deal about freeing him just to let him
get caught again. But it made sense when my…ring…was taken. I knew it was only a matter of
time before someone tried again. And here we are.”
“Yes,” Helena said, her smile returning. “You, me, and the lady makes three…”
Before I could ask what she was talking about, the door opened behind her, and Anna
stood there, shocked as she looked between me, the gun, and Helena. Helena took advantage
of the situation and grabbed Anna by the hair, pulled her gun out, and shot. Shouts of panic from the lobby echoed into the vault as Helena ran out, screaming her
head off. By the time I got to Anna and started putting pressure on the wound in her stomach,
Helena was already past Al and out the door.
“Call 911, you idiot,” I shouted at him, ignoring the gun he pointed at me. “Now!” I
looked down at Anna, who was shivering in shock, “You’re going to be fine. Hold on: help is on
the way.”
Like many birds in the wild, businesses in Asgard tended to mate for life with their
locales. The First Asgard Credit Union was the perfect example. Even with the neighborhood
decline, they were still open at 9:00 AM every weekday and closed at five. Of course, they were
massively understaffed with only one teller and an elderly guard named Al who slept by the
door for most of his shift. The teller, a young woman named Anna, was busy when we entered. I flashed my keys at
her and she rushed forward when she recognized me.
“What can I do for you, Mr. Tyler?”
“I need to get into my safety deposit box,” I said, grabbing Helena around the waist and
pulling her close to my side where she yelped and grabbed my stump warningly. “We’re getting
engaged and I need my grandmother’s ring.”
Anna’s look of excitement was tempered by the grimace on Helena’s scarred face and
rather than congratulate us, she simply nodded and walked over to the box vault and unlocked
it. “I’m really busy, Mr. Tyler. I’ll leave it unlocked. Just wave to me before you leave.” That said,
she walked back to her desk. I opened the door for Helena and we both walked in, shutting it
behind us.
The room was mostly empty. A plain plastic table sat in its center. The walls around it
were etched with varying sized slots. Helena stayed by the door, her arms crossed as she
watched me walk across the room to box 289. Unlocking it, I took a box the size of an old VCR
out, and set it down on the table.
“You haven’t told me what you want…” I said as I unlocked the box.
“Don’t act stupid, Chief,” she said, smiling at me from her corner, “I want the ring.”
I reached into the box and pulled out a small gold ring and tossed it across the room to
her. As soon as the ring left my hand, I reached back into the box and pulled out a little Walther
PPK handgun and pointed it at Helena, who disregarded it as she examined the ring in her hand.
“Another fake,” she said with a sigh, a look of disappointment on her face. “You do realize
that the engagement is off now, right?” “Shame. I always thought I’d marry for looks, anyway,” I said. With my stump, I twirled
the box around so she could see the empty contents. “You must think I’m an idiot.”
“Honestly?” she said. Taking the ring, Helena placed it on her right pinky and smiled
mockingly at me. “Okay Quick-Draw, you got me. Now what?”
“Cops…jail…court…I figured we could do the whole song and dance.”
“You’re forgetting something,” Helena said. “If I don’t get out of here, Graham’s going to
-”
“I’m not worried about Graham,” I said, cutting her off and smiling. “Third floors of most
of those buildings don’t hold heat. There’s not a chance a family of four would live there. I used
to be Chief, but I was a detective for a few years. Don’t insult my intelligence.”
For the first time, Helena seemed to falter. “Everything’s coming together,” I said, keeping
the gun trained on her as I walked around the table. “Drug dealers getting free passes from cops
made me wonder who else was getting lucky. Well…Elias Fenton seemed to be a little too slick.
It was easy enough to get him to talk: all I had to do was play dumb and flash the ring around,
and before long he was answering questions I hadn’t even thought of yet.
“The ambush was a mystery. Why make such a big deal about freeing him just to let him
get caught again. But it made sense when my…ring…was taken. I knew it was only a matter of
time before someone tried again. And here we are.”
“Yes,” Helena said, her smile returning. “You, me, and the lady makes three…”
Before I could ask what she was talking about, the door opened behind her, and Anna
stood there, shocked as she looked between me, the gun, and Helena. Helena took advantage
of the situation and grabbed Anna by the hair, pulled her gun out, and shot. Shouts of panic from the lobby echoed into the vault as Helena ran out, screaming her
head off. By the time I got to Anna and started putting pressure on the wound in her stomach,
Helena was already past Al and out the door.
“Call 911, you idiot,” I shouted at him, ignoring the gun he pointed at me. “Now!” I
looked down at Anna, who was shivering in shock, “You’re going to be fine. Hold on: help is on
the way.”
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