Game of Thrones: Gender Identity, Stories Untold and Week Two

So I finished week two of reading Game of Thrones, and I'm just as psyched, if not more so than before. Dear God, Joffrey is a loser! You know a lot of things got kept out of the show to keep the things that were important to the plot and the story in general, but I have to say: reading the book and watching the show gives you a different flavor all over.

One of the things that really reached out to me was the scene in Arya's chapter where she is talking to her father about Needle. In the chapter, Arya is talking to Ned about how how she doesn't want to be a Lady. She doesn't want to be some little woman who has to get married and have kids who do impressive things while she takes care of their home. At first, Ned seems really uncomfortable with this prospect, but after a while he returns Needle to her and even goes so far as to arrange a "Sword Dancer" from Braavos to come train her, (and how awesome is Syrio, huh?)

Now the things that was so great about this scene is that the perspective is all from Arya's limited third-person view; you have no idea what is going on in Ned's mind when he makes these decisions, and that makes him so much more than what he is. Think about the last time you asked your parent or significant other for a favor: you probably got the fifth degree about it before they made any kind of decision. Who's going to be there? Do we know their parents? How late are you going to be out? That's not to say that Ned doesn't give the token fatherly try of making sure she is absolutely sure.

What's interesting, is that if you changed the entire topic of the conversation to Arya saying that she thinks that she is a lesbian, I think Ned Stark would have made the exact same decision. And that makes me like Ned Stark all the same. He's a crappy hand of the king, and a naive Lord, but he really is a family man. When you compare it to everyone knowing about Renly Baratheon and Lorras, or even the way Varys is portrayed, (very simpering and creepy,) Ned's reactions are so much more conciliatory and welcoming.

The other thing I wanted to talk about is that there are a lot of things you just don't know about in this book. I mentioned before that this is a very "after" kind of story. Everything that is central to the plot: Viserys and Daenerys Targaryen's exile, Robert Baratheon's rebellion, magic and dragons. All of these things happened before Game of Thrones even started. That's fine, it's similar to post-apocalyptic stories where you know the world ended but not exactly how. What makes less sense is not revealing the information as it comes up.

An example is the old and new gods. I know from the show that the new gods are given names, but not exactly why they replaced the old ones? Who were the old ones? Were they part of the forest children myths? There are tons of things being thrown around, and only parts of the explanations are given over to the reader. This is similar to the gripe I had with Beautiful Creatures, where the character see's a lot of things and what isn't explained is just handed off as something you see every day. It could just be that the information is being saved for later on, but the way it seems at the time is that the information isn't important enough to share and I know that couldn't be further from the truth.

Other than that, I'm having a lot of fun with the book. I hope Martin lives long enough to finish the series, even though I know that even if he does fans will still be clamoring for him to do more because they do that. For now, wish me luck because I'm going to be doing chapters 31-45 and this is looking to be a busy week

Game of Thrones:Week One

Okay, so I just finished my first week of Game of Thrones, (the book not the show,) and I'm pretty psyched so far. It pretty much coincides with finishing the third season of the show, which I'm actually pretty psyched. Surprise surprise when the first gratuitous sex scene in the book doesn't happen until six chapters in. Who'd have thunk. Anyway, I did fifteen chapters and counting, and like I said on my twitter, I have just a few notes, but I'll save that for last like usual.

First off, I know I'm late to the game, but really excited about the show. I usually wait until I finish with the books before I do the movies/TV shows. The test of a good movie adaptation is that it isn't perfect, but it holds up to the actual story AND it should only be a visual representation of the book. For example, everyone went nuts about how bad the Eragon movie was: the cast, the plot, the setting, the magic, everything. But for the Harry Potter movies, they were, for the most part, more readily accepted, even though there was a lot of content that was purposefully left out of the plot. And why? I like to think because the Harry Potter movies were never meant to stand alone from the books, but to just be a visual reference to the many events and characters portrayed in them. It also didn't over-reach like Eragon did by making major, and pointless, detours from the storyline. I also like to think that the books were already almost halfway done by the time the movies started and they didn't try jumping too far ahead of where they were at. Despite this, there were some parts of the book that were important to the plot that were left out because the directors and writers for the movies didn't know what was going to be important later on.

The nice part about the Game of Thrones show is that for the most part they are keeping extremely close to the actual text of the book. It's actually a little uncanny for me, especially after watching just one episode. For instance, the part in the show where Tyrion Lannister comes down and slaps Joffrey and then goes into the keep to have breakfast with his brother and sister is almost identical to the book, even down to what he orders from a servant for breakfast. Now that can sometimes be a little overkill for a series, or movie when it's derived from a book, but in this case it's incredible character building in my opinion and shows what an excellent writer Martin is.

Okay, so now that I've finished geeking out on the show, I think it's time that I moved on to the book itself. For this week I decided to keep it to fifteen chapters, seeing that by the time I finish with week five I'll be done with the book and ready for a final analysis. I know that on my twitter page I've been teasing a bit about the book, but I actually have found myself getting really immersed in the book, even with the fact that I've already seen everything that's happened in the show. Rather than that making it boring, it's really given me a bitter view of who I'm reading about and what's going on.

Now normally I try not to reveal too much about the plot of the books I'm reading, and for good reason. Go buy the book! The authors have worked really hard on these things, and it would be rude of me to reveal their works in detail. But with this already being such a groundbreaking work of fiction, and me doing a whole month worth of reviews, I think I can get away with a few more sneak peaks.

So the overall plot of the story up to where I'm at is the Lannister and Baratheon family went North to Winterfell to see Eddard Stark, nicknamed Ned....really? Where'd the "N" come from? Anyway, the King, Robert Baratheon had his right-hand man, named Jon Arryn, who was known by the title, Hand of the King. Jon was a mentor to both Robert and Ned and now Robert wants Ned to be his new Hand, but Ned is worried about getting engulfed in the politics and having to pick his family up and go south. But, a message comes from Jon's widow, intimating that the Lannisters had something to do with his death.

Now, Ned was going to take all but two of his five/six children with him, but the day before they were slated to go, his second youngest, Bran, who liked to climb, found the Queen and her twin brother getting it on in a secret tower. He was caught and thrown from the tower and nearly died, making him one of three children left. Not being able to take anymore time, the Baratheon's, the Lannister's and the Stark's leave for the south, leaving Ned's wife to take care of him. Ned's bastard son John Snow is going off to the Wall, basically a military encampment that mans a giant wall in the North to keep wild people from attacking the south.

While all of this is happening, my favorite character, Daenerys Stormborn Targaryn, who is descended from the Mad King before Robert Baratheon, is being sold off by her brother to a warlord so that he can get his throne back.

Now there's a lot more going on, but like I said, sneak peeks, not a synopsis and I think I'm actually cutting it pretty close with THIS much already. Most of the other things have to do a lot with politics and whatnot and I don't feel up to going into all of that. My reviews are long enough.

The first part that I wanted to get into real quick is the characters. There are two characters that I both love and hate and both of those stem from some excellent writing on Martin's part. The first is Tyrion Lannister. For those of you who don't know, (rocks, people, they are not good places to live under,) Tyrion is the third child of the Lannister patriarch. He was born a dwarf, accidentally killed his mother during birth, and has a lot of enmity sent his way. For this, and his physical shortcomings, he's trained himself to be smarter than just about anyone else. I love this character, he constantly runs circles around his friends, family and enemies and is just a generally likable guy.

The second is Sansa Stark, and I'm sorry but it just goes back to that whole thing that women can't take care of themselves in books. Which is bunk. I get the feeling she was meant to be a foil to her sister Arya, who is outgoing and tomboyish. Sansa just screams PINK all over the place, perfect and pristine and in love with Joffery the Prince. She's just so doe eyed and ready to follow the prince around that a lot of the things she ends up doing just irk me to pieces. I know that's her point, and for that I admire Martin. Because, it's easy to make a character that everyone loves, but it's a lot harder to make one that everyone hates. That takes talent.

The last thing I wanted to bring up is something that I noticed in the writing and isn't particularly good or bad. It just is. What I noticed is that each chapter is pretty much split in half between some expository monologue-ing and the actual meat of what is going on in the story. For instance, the first half of the chapter will be filled with descriptions of what is going on, who is there, what they are doing, before the character actually goes in and interacts. It's not bad because all of the information given is vital to the storyline, but it is a little bit of an eye sore for me. It's kind of like if you walked into a room and saw ten people, and took time to notate mentally who everyone in the room is, what they are wearing, who they are talking to, etc. In a book, it's a lot easier to believe that this all happens within a second or two, but in real life, your friends will likely be looking at you very strangely as you stand there for twenty minutes just looking at them.

So, week one is done. I'm starting chapter 17 tonight with all the thrills and excitement therein. Wish me luck

Single Handed Part 4

The door to the back of the van was swinging in the cold wind when I came to. Shouts
and screams, and the unmistakable sound of firearms discharging chilled me in a way Asgard’s
endless winters never could. I took in my surroundings carefully before I did anything.
I was lying prone on the side of the van, the new roof where I’d been sitting was a dented mess,
and I thanked God I hadn’t had my spine crushed on impact.
 Fenton’s chains dangled uselessly near me, blood and a bit of skin on the left cuff. From
where I was laying, I checked my pockets, and sure enough, my cuff keys were missing. After thevan rolled over, Fenton must have wriggled his mangled hand out of the restraints and snagged
my keys.
 The fact that people were still shooting outside meant one of two things: either someone
was trying to kill Fenton, or neither side had gotten hold of him yet.
 Ignoring the pain in my head, I got up and headed out the van door. Seeing the scene
outside I was both grateful and annoyed that I’d left my service pistol at work. Being in an
enclosed space with Fenton without it had been a necessary precaution, especially in hindsight
seeing as I’d been unconscious. But, as I watched the muzzle flashes going off around me, I
missed its comforting weight in my hand, and had to stop myself from reaching for it out of
habit.
 Keeping low to the ground, I relaxed my eyes, seeing past the snow like my grandfather
had taught me. It seemed men and women were running every which way in the blizzard, taking
shots at the officers who were less successful in returning fire. I only hoped someone had had
the brains to call in for backup.
 I saw it while I was ducking out of the way of some punk, a small orange fleck keeping
low to the ground. Officers on either side were being kept occupied while Fenton shuffled his
way towards a blocky shadow that had to be one of Asgard’s many snowplows. While the
shooters were keeping each other busy, I ran down the street, ignoring the slicks of ice and
exchanging caution for speed as I gained on Fenton. The streets were clogged with parked cars,
the snow too severe to drive in, and Fenton was using them for cover as he made his way
towards freedom.Using my momentum and greater mass, I grabbed Fenton by the back of his jumpsuit
and, twirling him around, threw him bodily over a car. It wasn’t a clean throw: the tip of
Fenton’s foot caught on the roof and he shouted in pain before it was muffled by his fall. As I
walked around the car, Fenton hobbled to his feet, limping noticeably. I circled around him,
keeping myself between him and the plow.
 “You forgetting something?” I asked, smiling at Fenton, whose face was red from his
tumble on the icy streets.
Fenton snapped his fingers and grinned, though his eyes were dead and calculating. “Oh
yeah. I was gonna snag that stupid ring.”
 I waved my hand at him, “All you’re getting is a good look at it as I wipe that snarky grin
off your face. Don’t worry though, you’ll still be pretty enough for the pen.”
 “I told you, Tyler: I ain’t going to jail!” He snarled, and with surprising speed, he flung
himself at me.
 Maybe not that surprising, considering one of the cars behind him exploded in a dazzling
display of fire and shrapnel. The blast lifted us off the ground, and for the second time that
night, I flew.
This time I didn’t black out, but had the pleasure of crashing to the ground and having
two-hundred pounds of crazy land on me. Before I could move or even dodge the exploded car
parts landing around us, I felt hands wrap around my throat and squeeze. Looking up, I was
greeted with Fenton’s face, no longer grinning, but determined and calm as he slowly choked
the life out of me. The police train people on a lot of things…like getting a raving lunatic off your windpipe,
for example. Unfortunately, being twice concussed, and having black dots swimming in your
vision as your brain screams for oxygen, can complicate matters and make training seem very
far away. In the end it comes down to what really drives your will to live. For me, it was an
obsession…not with Fenton, but with getting the truth. How far was I willing to go to get it?
 The look on Fenton’s face as I slipped the loop of my personal handcuffs through the hole
in his hand was priceless. He looked from his hand to my right wrist where I’d already clicked
the other end. He even stopped throttling me, his mouth moving, but no sound coming out. I
had to admit, I was rather pleased with myself: I’d out crazy-d the mad man.
 “You aren’t going anywhere, you fucking nut job…” I whispered, my throat too sore to say
it any louder. It didn’t matter, because Fenton wasn’t paying attention. Instead, with his free
hand, he lunged to the side, and I had enough time to see something gleaming in his hand
before he thrust it into my guts. The agony of having hot metal invade my stomach was
indescribable. I was spared the job of describing it though, because after the third time he
stabbed into me, I passed out, and knew no more.

A Game of Thrones: Introduction

Quite some time ago, I was walking through a local bookstore in Albuquerque when I had the most interesting discussion with one of the booksellers. I was talking about how long it had taken Patrick Rothfuss to write his second book, The Wise Man's Fear, (some four years and some-odd months.) The bookseller, my favorite up to date, had the most interesting of responses, to which I will paraphrase: "You think that's bad, we had to wait five years for A Feast of Crows by George R. R. Martin." To my distress, I had never heard of either the book or the author, at least not in a familiar sort of way that I do with Jim Butcher and his books or Stephen King. Color me surprised that George R. R. Martin was already four or five books into this epic fantasy series and here I was with my head in the sand wondering what the sky looked like. Needless to say, I went out my next payday and bought Game of Thrones, the first book in the series and started reading it that very night.

And ended reading it five minutes later.

I'm not ashamed to say that I never even got a proper length into the book, setting the book down before I had even finished the first page of the prologue. It happens to all men from time to time. Sometimes you start and you just can't finish. Hey, I have a great personality. But beyond that I've read over a hundred books this year alone and not all of them end up making the grade to being written about. But, Game of Thrones is different, as are the circumstances to why I couldn't get into it, as well as the reason I am trying again. There are a lot of reason why I didn't get into the book, most of them simply cosmetic. For simplicity sake I'll just stick to the top three.

#1) Immersion - As I stated in my review of Prince of Thorns by Mark Lawrence, the reason that I don't review epic fantasy books is because when you read something on that grand of a scale, it becomes harder to immerse yourself in it. So many things are being pushed at you, you are almost literally being dunked into a world of pure imagination, that it becomes more difficult to accept the rules of the game. For me it also becomes more difficult to separate myself from that world. Since the series isn't yet complete that means having to break away once I get caught up and wait for whenever Martin, a man in his 60's, finishes the book or doesn't. That was the same reason I didn't want to immerse myself in the HBO series based off the book: when a book isn't completed yet, they have no idea d who and what will become more important as the books progress. That means they will likely take liberties with character development, making the ending somewhat stunted.

#2) Hook - I didn't like the opening page. I'll admit it. In the opening part of the story, three throwaway characters are being introduced as a way to show the dangers in the North. I got bored reading the first page and that's a big no-no for me so I set the book down. It's as simple as that.

#3) Wikipedia - Great scourge of the internet world, Wikipedia has just about everything you could possibly want to know about the major events and characters of the series. When I couldn't get into the book, I looked up the series to see if it would get more interesting. To my surprise, I found that the elements of fantasy are quite interesting and come into play later on. What I also found was that it is very heavy on the political intrigue, something that bores me to no end. For that reason, I set the book on my "Need to read" bookshelf by my bed and waited until I had the inclination to do more with it. Since then I have picked the book up twice more and got exactly down to the first page of the prologue before I had to set it back on the shelf.

So, why am I picking up the book again? I have to say it is because of the HBO series. Friends and acquaintances have been bugging me for the last two years to watch this show, and now that I have HBO Go, I can finally watch it from season 1. Finding that the show is interesting at later points has grabbed my attention and set in me the inclination to read the book like never before. It's also set in me a distaste for the series that is new, and something I'll talk about briefly since this is just an introduction.

The Song of Ice and Fire series is definitely an "After" story, and that's always been something that has bugged me. Let me explain: have you ever watched a movie, played a game, or read a book where everything that is happening "Now" is something that happened after some great war? Heroes from that war are now leading, magic has disappeared from the world, evil despots are now beggars and exiles? This is an "After" story. Blips and dribbles of the story that happened before are let slip but they lack the true excitement that would be available if the author had written the events themselves. To me, stories like this have always lacked foundation and emotion. It's like finding out that your wife's/husband's cousin has died. You grieve for them for a little while until you find out that they never even knew they had a cousin. It's still sad, but it's so far removed and lacks the true emotional connection that it's more like finding out that your boss has a flat tire as far as knowledge goes.

But despite that, I decided to devote this entire month to George R. R. Martin's Game of Thrones. I'll be reading as much as can in the week and giving my usual opinion-ing about what I thought so far. I know it's a little different than what I usually do, but, the book is so large and the scope is so wide that I think that I can get some good work out of it. Keep track on my twitter page as well, if you want to see where I'm at, as usual. Till then, good night.

On Writing: Top Ten Things I Learned About Young Adult Fantasy Fiction

Okay, so I was going to do one more review about City of Bones by Cassandra Clare...but as anyone who follows me on Twitter or facebook knows, that idea has been scrapped. I couldn't write the review without getting irritated with it because the book was awful...just awful. Suffice to say, don't buy it: go buy Harry Potter or even the Percy Jackson books. City of Bones made Unclean Spirits seem better by comparison, and that's saying something.

So rather than rant and rave about a book, putting myself in a bad mood and ultimately getting myself into trouble, I decided to wrap up Young Adult month with a new list piece, since I haven't done any since the list of books I just can't get into anymore. This one will be the Top Ten Things I learned About Young Adult Fantasy Fiction, starting with number ten.

Number Ten: Save your questions for when there is a lull in the story, not when they actually come up.

A lot of information is bouncing around in a YA fantasy book. What are casters? Why do vampires sparkle? Why did they rip off Harry Potter? These things will likely confuse you as you read the book because there are so many things happening at once. Don't worry. YA books have you covered. YA books hoard questionable situations like Golum on an episode of Pawn Stars, rationing them out like Donald Trump as a guest start on Survivor. Don't worry though...all of your questions will be answered when the writers get stuck somewhere.

Number Nine: A man or a woman only has true value if they are together.

Life is dull and boring and without true zeal. When that special person comes into your life, they bring light and life and meaning that you could never have achieved without them. Forget that you know nothing about them and have nothing in common. As the song says, love is all you need. Well...relationships are all you need. Ever. Don't ask questions...just go with it.

Number Eight: Have your main character be a clean slate so they are more relatable rather than a role model.

It's a common misconception that many authors main characters have been incredibly boring, lifeless and dullwitted. I have to tell you that this is not the case. Authors have been writing characters as blank slates that readers can then project themselves onto. It's a kind of immersion that readers could never have experienced just by simply reading the book. Think about it, this way, you too can become a dull, lifeless, selfish teenager in love with a shiny disco ball. It's not lazy writing if people still buy the books.

Number Seven: Use caricatures to create characters who never have to develop or change.

Also known as archetypes, caricatures are basic story crafting ideas that have been used across the ages. The lone warrior, the hopeless romantic, the town fool. These basic ideas are used in formula writing because they are popular in almost every culture and transcend time. They also never develop as characters or really change. There's nothing wrong with this because if they did then you would be doing something original, and that would be unheard of. Just take your basic god of war, give him a sword and bathe him in blood. People like that kind of thing

Number Six: The journey is not important - it's the destination that matters.

Forget the old saying that it's not the destination that matters, it's the journey. Wait, switch that, reverse it. Forget all the wonder of what you would see along the way. Who wants to see that? Just get there as soon as possible, showing as little interest in what's going on as a five year old with ADD at the zoo who just wants to go see the monkeys. Readers don't want to waste time driving or flying a magic horse over cities. They just want to focus on what color the horses feathers are until they get to the castle they were headed to to begin with.

Number Five: Your parent got kidnapped? Better go train to save him...for a few months

Oh my gosh! My dad just got kidnapped? I better go off to train for a few years. I'm sure he'll be okay until I'm at least mostly done. Gotta save something for the sequel so that I can show just how much I still have to learn.

Number Four: Girls can do anything boys can, even if they shouldn't.

Now since this is such a touchy subject, I won't bullshit this one. I strongly believe that women can do anything men can, and always have. The fact is that it's a poor choice when they do some of the more suspect things that men do. Such as playing on the affections of the opposite sex to get the things they need for whatever reasons, (something I'm fairly certain a male character would be crucified for doing.) The opposite has been proven true, as well, taking female protagonists and devolving them back to helplessness like Clary Fray in City of Bones, and Kitty in Kitty and the Midnight Hour. Make up your minds, authors. There are good books out there with main female characters who kick ass.

Number Three: Plot? Oh, right, better put that in somewhere...

Authors have so much love to share that sometimes they forget that there has to be an actual plot, climax and conflict in the story that doesn't revolve around prom, or badly cooked pizza, or whether your best friend will have a date so that you can get the four seated table at the fancy restaurant. Don't worry, gentle reader: they'll get to it when they get to it. There's no rush, right? You are perfectly willing to sit through days of exposition to find out that something mildly interesting will happen for five pages before you go back to a picnic in the woods...right?!

Number Two: It's not stalking if you're in love.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night to find your boyfriend staring down at you, the window open wide, his breath slow and deep? Is he following you around wherever you go, staring down and even threatening any man who comes withing fifty yards of you? Does he often tell you how you are the only person he has ever loved and would do anything to keep you safe from an uncaring world that is only out to hurt you? Call the cops...this is not natural, it is not romantic, it is stalking and it can devolve to domestic violence. Not even kidding, I'd even suggest you carry pepper spray or a taser Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman style.

And....Number One: Teenagers are stupid and will buy anything based off Twilight, Harry Potter and Popular Mythology

Pretty much anything that can make money by being made into a moving that draws teenagers into the theaters will get a free pass these days. That doesn't make it good. The Eragon movie taught us that. Watching the preview for City of Bones, I can tell you that as bad as the book was, the movie is only about 2% based off the original source material, and the actual book is based off Harry Potter. Eragon was based on Star Wars. Beautiful Creatures was based off Twilight which was based off of a much better book, dumbed down for teenagers. Pretty much all major archetypes come from popular mythology anyway, which is why they transcend generations. Put a stop to YA authors insulting teen intelligence. Pick up a real book by Jim Butcher, or Brent Weeks, Mark Lawrence, Ilona Andrews, Rachel Aaron. All of these authors are incredible, and whats more important, they are easily accessible and they won't insult your intelligence

Review: Beautiful Creatures by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl

What ever happened to the Great American epic teen fantasy? No seriously, this is me being serious, not snarky. I remember when I was a pre-teen, (back before it was called tween *gag*,) and into my teenage years, reading epic fantasy books written for teens. Mostly, they were by K.A. Applegate and her contemporaries who are my heroes even to this day. I never even got to finish the Animorph or Everworld series because I was tragically broke before they finished and too old for them afterwards. But, I know that writers must have written a few more books of that genre since then, I just don't see them now. Writers like Christopher Paolini and Rick Riordan have done an...okay job of picking up on it, but for the most part, YA writers seem to have missed out on the fantasy part of the Science Fiction/Fantasy genre. What I'm seeing in exchange, is a lot of romance and not enough carnage.

Don't get me wrong, romance has it's place. It has it's own section in the bookstore, even inching into a new one titled: Paranormal Romance. It's even inching into Science Fiction; the new Enders Game movie trailer has been showing some girl smiling at Ender in it. Since it's not exactly my genre, I can't say for certain, but you know what I remember about Enders Game? Boys kicking each other's butts. That's not to say that there weren't women in there, but I'm fairly certain they weren't there to play slap and tickle.

The reason I wanted to say this, is of course because I'm reviewing Beautiful Creatures by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl. Why did I decide to review this book? Because this is still YA month for me, and I didn't want to review Twilight...I didn't want to suffer a brain hemorrhage that series induces in the unwary. That being said, Twilight and Beautiful Creatures, five years away from each others publication date, at the least, are very similar in genre, style and plot. I've heard a lot of people complain about the similarities between the two, and to be honest, I don't get it. It's kind of like comparing a rock and another equally unimpressive rock and trying to say which would win if you pit them against each other.

And yes, I do know what I'm talking about. Being of literary mind, I did read Twilight about a year before the movie came out. Heck, I even read New Moon, to my infinite displeasure. That was about as far as I got before started to actually consider a Bonfire of the Vanities movement. I digress though, this isn't a Twilight review...I don't hate myself nearly enough right now to attempt that. Though, I will say this: writing a bad book, in every meaning of the word, no matter how popular, is tragic. Writing a boring book like Beautiful Creatures, now that is just plain criminal.

Beautiful Creatures is a lazy book, written back in 2009, but just waiting for that Twilight novelty to get out of the way to become more popular this year. To be honest, I'd never even heard of it before this year, and that was mostly because of the movie adaptation to come out. To be honest, the movie might get a little more popular if they hadn't cast Jeremy Irons in it, because the man is just too dated for a work like this. Just to get it out of the way, the overall plot of the book does owe a lot to twilight fame, only in reverse. Ethan Wate is a boringly dull teenager living in the South when a new girl comes to his town, Lena Duchannes, who is a caster girl, (a breed of human who can cast magic [oh, so imaginative]) and turns his world upside down. It's basically what would have happened if Edward Cullen hadn't been a shiny disco ball and Bella Swan had had more depth than a puddle of spit.

At first glance, it seems that the authors of Beautiful Creatures decided to try and make their characters as different from Twilight as possible, and in doing so, drained their characters of any truly interesting character traits. Instead, the book focuses on this things that keeps popping up in YA fiction and television shows, and that is: being different is bad and should be punished and anyone who accepts said different person is automatically some kind of saint. Lena isn't a fashion model or a beauty pageant queen, and is instead more of an average beauty, and because of this, (and her relation to her uncle, the town hermit,) she is immediately ostracized. And for what?

I know it's been a little over ten years since I was in high school, but I don't remember things being like that. Yes being weird meant that you didn't hang out with the jocks or cheerleaders, but it didn't mean the entire school hated you. There is always a niche out there that will accept you for who you are. And if not? Who cares? It's high school You will know these people for a few years and then likely never see them again. Even Ethan, who is completely blameless in tormenting Lena, like the others in his class do, makes a point of feeling bad because he feels he has done some amorphous wrong in the past like the others of his peers and this apparently makes him a bad person. This was a deal breaker for me, because at no point in the story does Ethan have an example of how he follows the crowd and makes people feel bad. In fact, early on it's made clear that Ethan just goes along and does his own thing most of the time.

But Beautiful Creatures can't seem to get enough of this, and indeed focuses on it for the rest of the book and almost nothing else. Even the main plot of whether Lena will become a Dark Caster or a Light Caster is shunted to the side for most of the book, instead focusing on how She and Ethan are going on their first date, or going to a dance, or just hanging out. I know all of these things are relationship necessities, but in a genre of fantasy fiction, it is just so, so, SO boring. This is something that YA books have in common, too. They are so focused on drawing young adults in with things that they might do in their own lives, or might have had to deal with at some point, that they lose the actual fantasy aspect of the book in the process.

I would have to say that the main problem with Beautiful Creatures is Ethan. As the main character, the story is told from his perspective with the exception of one pacing-ruining moment towards the end. The problem with him is that he is boring - not in the soul-sucking, brain-hemorrhaging way that Bella is, but almost just as bad. He is a man who sees four weird things right before his eyes and only asks questions about one of them for the better part of the book. What? Is he stockpiling them? Ethan has no qualities about him that make him important other than that he is in love with Lena. And their chemistry is so awful. I get it that they love each other, and that this is a very star-crossed lovers ordeal, but they have no real drive to be together. Lena, for the most part, spends almost every waking moment trying to get rid of him, calling him stupid, running away from him, not calling him. And yet he just keeps going.

Similarly to Twilight, I get an overwhelming feeling that the authors are drawing conclusions that a man or woman only have worth because of each other, and I have to say that that is bunk and leave it at that. Ethan goes about his life in a kind of bored fashion before Lena shows up. He plays basketball but doesn't really enjoy it. He has ex-girlfriends who hate him, but it's never really explained why or how they broke up, she's only there to be a foil to Lena and even that is pretty half-assed. The only thing he really is interested in is Lena, and that just shows a kind of codependency that isn't exactly a role model for young adults. It actually kind of reminds me of two things, one that someone mistakenly told me, and one that I brought up in a piece on writing. The first is that someone once told me that because I was a man, I wasn't fit to talk about anything female as far as writing, perspectives, etc.. Normally I would say this is bunk, but it goes back to the old adage of "write what you know", and obviously neither of the authors really know men if they think this is a positive reflection of the gender. The other is that there is a fine line between believe-ability and realism. It's believable that Ethan was a loner before Lena came along, (it happens,) but it is unrealistic that they should have to the kind of bond that they authors create because there is nothing to build off of.

Lena on the other hand is only interesting because she is quirky, and that's it. As a Caster, she has until her next birthday before she becomes light or dark, and has no choice in the matter. Because of this, she draws less attention to the caster part of her life and tries to live a normal life. What parts of her life that aren't Caster related are all about her being quirky and edgy. She has a necklace full of knick-knacks she has to remind her about her life. She dresses in uncool clothes. She plays violin. And she is constantly defined by other people as living with her uncle Macon. Even her powers are quirky and ill-defined. She's shown to have some power over the weather that is effected by her mood, cracks glass and even controls fire later on. But for being touted as one of the more powerful types of casters, she doesn't quite come up to par.

If I had a rating system I might consent to give Beautiful creatures 2 out of 5, possibly a 3 out of 5 after reading City of Bones. But I don't. I don't suggest reading this book to anyone who values good literature, but if you liked Twilight and wish it had gone on longer, then this is probably the book for you.

Single Handed Part 3

The snow hasn’t always been this bad in Asgard. When the city was founded, it was cold,

yes, but only in the last fifty years or so did it get to snowing full time. Everyone and their

mother had a reason for it: from global warming to some sign of the apocalypse. Myself, I have

a theory, and one I’d shared with my father when I was fifteen. I told him that God was suffering

from Post-Partum Depression. God was trying to slowly drown us with the kind of careful,

absent-minded, neglect of a man with an unruly pet leaving for a week without feeding it.

My father, then a thirty nine year old SWAT sergeant and a devout catholic to boot, had

stared silently at me for a full five minutes before smacking me in the side of the head.

Still, as I walked down the deserted street, watching small snow devils race through the

drifts of powder like hyperactive children, I had to admit there was something, if not beautiful,

then scenic about the weather. As I watched small flakes march through the sky to land in the

clear streets and dance along as the wind blew them gently away, it was almost peaceful.

I would have enjoyed it more without the damn sweater my shrink had suggested

wearing after my, “little accident”, as he was fond of calling it. With every meeting I’d been to in

the past three months I’d felt myself drifting further and further away from him. With a little

Freudian beard, jackets with the elbows replaced, and a name so damned German I felt like I

was coughing it out everything time I said it, he was far and away the last person I wanted in my

head. I’d even stopped calling him by his name, and simply referred to him as “Shrinky-Dink” at

the beginning and end of every session. I doubted he was aware of the little twitch his eye

made at the sound of it.

In the part of town I was living in, it would have looked out of place seeing a six-foot-five,

three hundred pound man walking around in a t-shirt and jeans. The streets were empty of any

parked cars, (nobody in the neighborhood could afford one, anyway.) The buildings were all

plain, insulated stone so cracked and pitted it was a surprise anyone could live in them. Not one

of the buildings were above five floors, and many of the apartments above two were vacant due

to poor heating units.

“The sweater,” Shrinky-Dink drawled from his posh, Italian, leather chair, “will help you

adjust to being part of the crowd again.”

I’d have to have a little talk with him about the fact that my hand was so busy being out

of sight that it made me the perfect target for the young woman who slipped out of the alley to

my right and settled the barrel of a gun in my lower back. I was pretty sure that wasn’t his

intention, because wearing the sweater was already irritating enough without the threat of

digesting a bullet with my hand stuffed ineffectively in my pocket.

“Can I help you, miss?” I asked, more curious than anything. In a pair of ragged jeans and

a sweater, I wasn’t exactly shouting out “rich”, so I doubted I was being robbed.

“Look to your left, Chief,” the voice behind me spoke, her tone lacking any emotion. I

shuddered. Passionate people make mistakes, but someone who sounded like they didn’t care,

they were dangerous. I looked to my left.

It wasn’t immediately clear what she wanted me to see until I looked at the building

across the street and a little ways up. On the third floor of the apartments, in the third window

from the end, was a man waving at me in an overtly cheerful manner. He was short, squat, and

mean in a way I hadn’t seen since I’d seen the wolfish grin on Fenton’s face. He was wearing a

plain white t-shirt, and had a young woman in a chokehold, a knife pointed at her throat.

“That woman’s name is Norah Raines, and she has two children in the apartment. Both

of them are locked in their rooms and their father left for work an hour ago.” She spoke in such

a clear, precise manner, that I had no doubt that she had planned this all out, and a cold rage

bubbled up inside me like heartburn.

“You’re going to do everything I say, because if you don’t then someone is going to get

hurt. If you think for a second it’s just going to be you paying for any stunt, then you are sadly

mistaken. Now let me ask you, Chief,” she jabbed the gun barrel into my back for emphasis,

“Does Graham up there need to get creative, or are you going to be a gentleman for me?”

For half a second, I considered making her eat her own gun and going up there to make

sure “Graham” never threatened another family again. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Images of things falling apart on me, of things left unfinished because of poor judgment,

stopped me and I felt my shoulders slump in submission.

“What do you want, miss…?”

“Helena, and nothing illegal,” she said, shuffling around behind me. I imagined her

finding a creative place to hide the gun so she could mow me down at the slightest provocation.

This didn’t seem like a woman who took chances, even with gentlemen. “We’re just going to

make a little withdrawal from the bank.”

Helena moved around to my right side, and I got my first real glimpse of her. She was

pretty for a sociopath, in a cold, cruel kind of way. She wore a plain gray button down coat that

went down to her knees, covering a pair of thick work jeans. Her shoes were a kind of brave

stiletto boot, and I had to admire that she could walk on the ice covered sidewalks.

She had long, silver blond hair that cascaded down her back in a glistening sheet. Her

nose was a delicate button, and she had a full, pleasant face, marred entirely by the dead look

in her eyes as she looked at me. Her eyes were a shade of green I’d never seen before, almost

the color of dirty ocean water, or sewer sludge.

Well, I shouldn’t say “entirely marred”. The scars pretty much took care of the rest. From

scalp to her exposed neck, from nose to ear: the entire left side of her face was viciously burned

and ravaged. The skin was thick and irritated red where it wasn’t crisscrossed by dead brown

skin reminiscent of under-dried jerky. What were worse were the pockmarked sections of

chemical burns interspersed across her cheek. There was no doubt that all of this had been

intentionally done. It had all the marks of a sadist.

For the first time, Helena’s face lit up with emotion. Joy transformed her right side from

pretty, to damned near beautiful, and made the left side into a menagerie of horror.

“Pretty, isn’t it?” She smiled up at me. It was clear she was enjoying my discomfort. “It’s

one of those ‘man with no shoes’ moments for you, I’m sure. Now as you well know, a

gentleman always holds a lady’s arm on their walk.”

I growled deep in my chest, but did as she asked, grimacing in discomfort as I took my

arm out of my pocket. Helena watched, a look of eager anticipation on her face as my wrist

escaped the confines of the sweater. The end of my wrist, freshly bandaged before I’d left the

apartment, ached in the cold. The jagged remains of my right hand had long ago healed from

their stitches, but even mild weather made the stump painfully sensitive. My physical therapist

swore my insurance covered a prosthetic and would help with the sensitivity, but honestly, I

didn’t see the point. As I watched her, Helena shivered a bit, smiling to herself before placing

her arm around mine, the tips of her fingers caressing the edges of the bandages.

“Spectacular,” she crooned, humming a bit to herself. “Well, let’s be off.”